


Tattoos and Crosses

by delano



Category: Supernatural
Genre: ...eventually, Abusive John Winchester, Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, BAMF Dean, Bipolar Dean, Bisexual Dean, Castiel Has a Sexuality Crisis, Dean Has Self-Worth Issues, F/F, Happy Ending, Homophobia, Human Castiel, Hurt Dean Winchester, John Winchester Being an Asshole, John Winchester's A+ Parenting, M/M, Punk Dean, Religion Kink, Religious Castiel, Self-Harm, Sexual Abuse, Sexual Assult, Sexuality Crisis, Slow Burn, but its there, not very graphic
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-06-15
Updated: 2016-06-18
Packaged: 2018-04-04 12:15:47
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 26
Words: 37,175
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4137171
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/delano/pseuds/delano
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dean Winchester and Castiel Novak are nothing alike.<br/>Dean, from a poor family living in a shabby house. Covered in tattoos and piercings, he has built up so many walls he thought no one could break them down.<br/>Castiel, from a strict religious family, living with a pastor for a father and a sheriff for a mother. He is always wearing a cross and quick to judge anyone and everyone<br/>No one thought that when the two met that they might actually become friends, or maybe something more.</p><p>(I'm awful at summaries please just give it a shot )</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. not worth it

**Author's Note:**

> This is an ongoing series if you want more please tell me!

It was just nearing midnight when John, Sam, and Dean Winchester drove past the outskirts of Lebannon, Kansas, their new home.

They drove past a gas station with some suspiciously scantily clad women and men standing around getting "handsy" with the truck drivers who stopped there. They drove past a cozy looking bar/restaurant called "The Roadhouse" and then, as they drove into the actual town, they pass one of the tallest structures in this little city, a beautiful Gothic looking church. Dean wasn't religious but he had to admit those bible thumpers did have a good eye for architecture. 

A couple blocks later they pulled into the driveway of a extremely modest, dirty yellow, colored house. when the engine shut off and the car slowly died down Dean grabbed Sam's arm, wound it around his shoulders, and lugged his little brother out of the car into the chilly night air.

"Sammy c'mon you're not gonna make me do all the work are ya?" Dean grumbles out in between breaths.

Sam mutters incoherently and remains mostly asleep, making a point of leaning on Dean more than he was a couple seconds ago.

"Bitch" Dean said to an unresponsive Sammy.

John Winchester's voice booms from the moving van, already parked on the driveway "one of you better get over here and carry in all this shit or so help me."

Dean rushes in, depositing Sam on one of the sheetless mattresses, and sprints back out to start unloading their stuff. He blew out a breath and began to lug a box entitled 'don't you dare throw this away, Dean' typical Sammy.

"Get my Jack out of there first, boy" John calls out to him from below.

Dean rummaged around in the van, looking desperately for one of the many bottles of whiskey John packed (or rather Dean for John) and pried one out.

"Here, sir" Dean lowered his eyes and handed the bottle to John slowly 

"Why don't you take a little longer next time" he sneered and walked away muttering "no good waste of space"

Dean rubbed his eyes and got to work unpacking their shit from the van.

 

At exactly 3:32 in the morning Dean had brought everything into the house, scrounged up enough food to make a lunch for Sam for tomorrow, wandered into the living room and laid a blanket on John, who was fast asleep on the couch, and dropped on the other mattress parallel to Sam's and was instantly asleep. 

Dean blinked awake the next morning, it took him a second to figure out where he was, but once he became aware of his surroundings he rolled out of bed and wandered to the kitchen, trying not to trip over any boxes on his way without his routine cup of coffee in the morning. John was still out like a light, snoring away without a care in the world, but the blanket had migrated to the floor, suggesting that he might have had to get up and throw up throughout the night. Dean's suspicions were confirmed when he spotted the bottle of whiskey lying on the floor, completely empty. He bent down and picked up the bottle, tossed into the garbage can, and started to shuffle through the boxes to locate their coffee maker. Dean tugs it free and finds some grounds and begins his morning routine. 

As Dean is sipping his coffee and putting their last slice of bread in the oven for lack of a toaster, Sam stumbled in. His hair was sticking up in every which way it looked like he just got electrocuted in the movies

"I'm tellin you man, give me five minutes with some scissors" Dean made a clipping motion with his fingers.

"shut up" Sam replied, running his hands through his mop of hair "When does school start here, Dean?" he yawned 

Dean looks at the clock on the oven that said 7:15 "in about 45 minutes," he replied as he took the toast out of the oven and threw it over to Sam, who accepted it gratefully. As he bit into the toast Dean's stomach decided to betray him by letting loose the loudest growl in the history of stomach growls. Sam stops chewing.

"Have you eaten yet, Dean?"

"I have my coffee, my stomach just hasn't realized that yet" Dean smiled. Sam started tearing the piece of toast in half and then Dean turned his "mom" voice on " Don't you dare Samuel, I slaved for many minutes over that toast for you and it's your first day of high school, you're gonna need all the fuel you can get"

"Dean.."

"Nope! I shall not allow it. You eat that toast, get dressed, get all your school stuff packed then we're going."

Dean walked out of the kitchen and pulled on some clothes. Most people would refer to his style as "punk" but Dean just wore whatever would send the signal "don't fuck with me" best; black ripped skinny jeans, leather jackets, eyeliner, a couple of tattoos and plenty of piercings, he found, sent that signal the best.

As Dean strolled out of the bathroom and glanced at the clock he called out to Sam " C'mon we were supposed to be gone five minutes ago!"

Sam rushes in holding two backpacks, one of them Dean stole from their old towns store, the other an old beat up military style backpack, Sam handed him the latter "I found you one too, Dean!" He smiles " I put a couple of notebooks and pencils in it, too,"

Dean smiles back down at his little brother "thanks Sammy" he said, ruffling his little brother's hair, Sam jumps away from the assault trying to tame his hair again.

"Jerk" Sam mumbles

Dean laughs "Bitch" he counters

It was days like these that made life still worth holding onto.

 

Dean thought that he could get through the day without cracking but as he pulled into the parking lot early to get their schedules and books he desperately needed a smoke. "Sam did you find any cigarettes when you were looking for that old backpack"

Sam puts on the bitchface he stores for whenever Dean's smoking habit comes up between the two of them. But as he sees Deans fingers shake he sighs " yes I put some in your backpack"

Dean almost kissed his brother he was so relieved, he grabbed his backpack and bolted to a little alley he noticed before, between the middle and high schools "grab my books and shit I'll meet you in the main hallway in ten minutes" he called over his shoulder. 

"Just don't let any teachers smell that crap on you!" Sam called after him.

As Dean rounded the alley corner he was already pulling out his lighter and a cigarette; and was taking his first drag when he noticed two girls making out farther down in the alley. One with vibrant red hair and the other a mousy brown. Dean choked on his smoke entering his lungs when he glanced over at them and that got the redhead to glance up.

The one with red hair quickly rectangles herself from the brunette "dude! The hell do you think you're doing!"

Umm. 

Dean held up his cig and took a drag " I won't tell if you don't" he reasoned leaning back against the wall letting out long trail of smoke

The brunette squinted "you're okay with it?"

Dean looked back up at them "why wouldn't I be?"

The redhead smiled and bounced over she was wearing a wide variety of colors completely contrasting Dean, in all black. She held out her hand "I'm Charlie, that's Dorothy"

He takes her hand "Dean" 

"You just moved here?" Dorothy inquired, moving beside the redhead, Charlie, and putting her arm around Charlie's shoulders.

"Yeah," 

They both waited for him to continue, but when it became clear he wasn't going to Charlie welcomed him and said "watch out for the Novaks if you're a supporter of the sexual minorities. Mrs. is the chief of police and the Mr. is the pastor of that giant church I'm damn sure you noticed, together they pretty much run this town."

Dean took another long drag and blew it back out "I'm not exactly just a supporter," Dean hesitates, he hasn't exactly come out of the closet to the whole world yet, but Charlie's and Dorothy seemed saf,e so he continued " I swing both ways myself, if you know what I mean"

Charlie smiled and hugged him, it took Dean a minute but he eventually returned the favor, and at that time Dean remembered he needed to meet Sam to get all his shit. "Shit!" Dean exclaimed, stamping out his cigarette "I gotta go" Dean grabbed his bag and jogged out of the alley back into reality. 

"See ya Dean" Carlie yelled 

"Bye,"Dorothy said at the same time

 

Dean ran into the building and almost collided with Sam "thanks Sammy" Dean breathed as he got his books and schedule

Sam simply replied with "you reek" and walked away finding his locker Dean assumed 

Dean turned the other direction and went to whet the seniors' lockers were and found his, dumping all his stuff into it while looking at the paper holding his schedule on it. 

Some teachers at his old schools called him a genius, a lazy one that hardly ever turned in his homework, but still a bonafide genius, he got perfect and almost perfect scores on all the tests he would take, and on his placement tests for this school there was only one test he didn't come off with a perfect 100, that test was a 98. 

But Dean didn't see it that way, Sam was the one that mattered. He loves school and turns in his homework and studies and reads and all the things that Dean doesn't. Dean understands that Sam is the one that needs to be able to dream. It's all for his little brother, his little brother who's gonna grow up to be a lawyer. Gonna go to Stanford and graduate with a fancy degree and go on and escape the trashy life they had been born into.

Dean walked down to the bathroom, wiped some soap on his neck and rinsed it off hoping that would lessen the smell of smoke. As he sauntered out of the bathroom he looked at his schedule again, he had all AP classes calc, engineering, English lit, blah, blah, blah. Dean sighed he should be working right now, making money, because John sure as he'll wasn't. Dean made a mental note to himself to look for job openings around town soon. 

Students were beginning to filter in Dean wanders back to his locker grabs his books and shoves the pack of smokes in his pocket by his lighter. Dean starts looking for the classroom reasoning he shouldn't ditch on his first day when all the teacher we're aware of him. Next week the fuss 'll have died down and he should be forgettable again.

The bell has rung and Dean starts to worry he won't find room 103 in time just as he rounds another corner and sees a sign over a door reading 103 Dean thanks whoever's watching over him and slides into the room tight as the last ding of the bell sounds 

"Speaking of new student, class this is Dean Winchester" Dean hears the teacher pronounce, he looks at the room full of students and they look back at him. He sees the girls smiling and whispering excitedly to each other 

"Dean please take a seat," the teacher smiles

Ah the dreaded 'where to sit?' Dean looks around and by some miracle spots Charlie sitting in the back and heads over to her,dropping himself in his seat when he hears.

"Castiel, will you please show our new student to his classes today"

Dean looks around to find 'Castiel' and notices a boy's head shoot up, he had a shock of dark dark brown hair that looked like the boy had just had dirty sex all through the night and the deepest blue eyes he'd ever seen, that boy, Castiel, was the definition of good looking. With a hint of sadness he notices there is a gold cross hanging around his neck that swings around as the boys speaks 

"But Mrs. Milton-" 

Oh holy fuck his voice was gravelly and gorgeous and totally out of his leauge

"Castiel. You are showing our new student around this school and taking him to all his classes, are we clear?" The teacher, Mrs. Milton says in a stern tone 

Dean make his first and probably last note of the day 'Mrs. Milton will not take any shit' 

Charlie leans over and whispers "Dean you better watch what you say in front of that boy, that's Castiel Novak"

"Novak? Like the pastor and sherrif duo Novak?"

Charlie nods "the same"

Great Dean thinks, he just had to go and develop a crush on the son of a pastor . Just his luck.


	2. sinner

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Castiel and Dean learn things about each other

"Let me see your schedule" Castiel Novak demands as soon as Dean is out of the classroom

"Bosssssyy"Dean taunts "I like that" he winks 

Castiel looks disgusted "I just want to get one thing straight, on no other circumstances ever will you talk to me again, I dont want to be seen associating with you crowd of sinners that have been led down the path of unrighteousness."

Dean almost laughs at how stupid that sounds but instead he pretends to look hurt "is it the tattoos? Or the piercings? Cause I will carve out every tattoo except the one on my ass if it means I get to stay by your side"he says in mock seriousness

Castiel seems even more disgusted than before of that's even possible. "People like you are going to hell"

"You don't even know me"

"I know you smoke"

Dean laughs at this "uh oh he's onto me guess I'll have devote my life to prayer and take a vow of chastity to repent for my oh so serious sin of smoking. oh wait I guess it's too late for the latter" 

Castiel looks astonished "just hand me your schedule you, you sinner"  
he tries to sound stern but he almost looks afraid, like maybe being to close to a sinner such as Dean will taint his perfect soul.

Dean holds out a piece of paper and Castiel holds it like it's contaminated with a deadly disease. He's silent for a moment then stutters "y-you're in every class I'm in." 

Dean grins, secretly glad he'll be seeing more of this overly religious cutie "well well well looks like you get to see this 'sinner' a little more often than you thought,"

"That's not possible, you, you-"

Dean cuts in "what I need to do is get to my next class, which just so happens to be your next class so lead the way, angel"

Castiel ignores the last part of that and stops by his locker to get his stuff for engineering and mechanics as they walk farther down the hall Dean stops at his locker and while Dean is grabbing his shit he notices Castiel talking vehemently and gesturing to him to some other guy wearing slacks and a button up the same as Castiel, except Cas was wearing a sweater over his button up, a sweater, how adorable was that?

Dean shifts his books into one arm and waves his hand and called over to Castiel "yoohoo! Gotta show this damned sinner to his class, angel!"

Castiel storms over "never call me that again" he fumes, thundering past Dean,

Dean laughs and jogs a few steps to catch up "whatever you say, Angel," Dean is silent for a moment "you don't really look like the kind of guy to take AP engineering and mechanics"

"This was the only AP science class that I hadn't completed yet, and not that it's any of your business but I'm indeed not as you say ' the kind of guy to take this class',"

Dean pauses "so you basically have no idea what you're doing?"

"....no"

Dean's heart leaps and he practically shouts "I can help y-"

"NO" Castiel interrupts "I do not need help from the likes of you"

Dean hides his disappointment behind a smirk "your loss, angel"

 

They make it into another classroom which is more like a garage with a couple old cars and trinkets here and there. Dean whistles "is that a '65 'vette I spy back there?" He runs over and runs his hand down the cherry red paint "she's a beauty"

"That she is" a voice sounds behind him, Dean turns around to see a stout man with a scruffy beard and baseball cap "you have a good eye kid, you must be Dean Winchester our new student " 

Dean straightened up and shook the man's hand "yes sir" 

"Call me Bobby, son"

Dean smiles "will do" 

Bubbly steps back and addresses the whole class "New student Dean Winchester, give him a warm welcome yadada." Bobby turns over to Dean "everyone else has a partner except for Castiel so you can go back and sit with him" he turns back now as Dean walks over to Castiel 

"Hey there partner"

"Don't talk to me" 

"Are you mad at me? Are we having our first fight?"

"If you're implying that we are in some sort of sinful relationship then you can go to hell you fag" Castiel jabs 

This sits a little too close to home for Dean and he almost has a minor panic attack, as couple breathing exercises gets him under control he smirks strongholds up a wall or two and says "well whatever gave you that idea" Dean winks 

Castiel turns back to the front of the classroom and promptly shuts Dean out for the rest of class.

"Castiel!" Dean calls as the lunch bell sounds "c'mon were going somewhere fun" Dean grabs and all but pulls Cas out the door and into the alley

"DEAN WINCHESTER LET GO OF ME"

"Here Cas" Dean holds out a cigarette 

"Are you joking! You know my mom's a cop?"

"Yeah very scary, take the damn cigarette and live a little"

To Deans surprise Castiel actually takes the cig and holds it between his thumb and forefinger 'but I mean what teenager hasn't wandered what smoking was like?' Dean reasoned 

"Now what do I do?"

Dean smiles isn't he darling " well first Mr. Eager you need to light it" Dean takes out his lighter and holds it under Castiel’s cigarette "now hold it to your mouth breathe in and then out"

Castiel repeats Dean's instruction and starts coughing immediately "this is awful Dean" Castiel coughs out 

Dean plucks the cigarette out of Gas field hand and takes a long drag out of it, then lets it out slowly sighing.

"You find this pleasurable?"

Dean laughs at this "oh yeah right up there with kissing boys and having sex"

"That's a sin"

"You've made that clear"

There was an uncomfortable silence

"I need to meet my siblings for lunch"

"Shit I do, too"

Castiel frowns " and stop talking to me, this never happened"

Dean smiles at this "sure thing angel"

 

"Hey Sammy!" Dean calls as he sees his brothers long brown hair sitting at a table with quite a few people already. Dean moves over and hovers over his brother "how you liking high school?"

" 's fine, Dean. guys this is my brother, Dean , he's a senior." Sam introduces

"Anyone giving you shit?"

"No"

"Okay you tell me if there is though?"

"Sure"

Dean said away and hears one of the freshmen at Sam's table whisper "dude your brother's so cool"

Dean smirks and heads off there was only enough food for one lunch and Sam got that so he'll just go sit somewhere maybe actually work on his homework for calc. Dean lost in thought collides into someone 

A British voice rings clear through the cafeteria "what do you think you're doing?"

All noise stops but you can hear whispers of "Crowley" "New kid" and "Dean Winchester"

Dean knows if he backs down it won't end well so he counters "what do you think you're doing?"

"You have three seconds to apologize on your own and then I'll make y-"

Dean didn't have time for this

He takes his steel toed boot and jams it in "Crowley"'s shin and, quick as a viper, elbows him in the stomach, Crowley keels over and Dean steps over him walking down to the library to find a quiet place and finishing his calc right as the bell sounds for the next period.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again thanks for reading comment and kudos if you liked!


	3. useless

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean is a small celebrity at school, but when he gets home we learn how he knows how to fight so well

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> POSSIBE TRIGGER WARNINGS  
> Abuse  
> Homophobia  
> Refrences to self harm  
> Let me know of any others

After lunch Dean trailed Castiel to their next class all around as they walked by whispers bombarded them from all angles. Dean noted happily that 'badass' was heard quite often in context to what happened in the cafeteria. They walked through the door of the classroom and all chatter stopped immediately, students looked to Dean with fear and respect. Castiel, obviously unamused at what went down that day had not uttered a word to Dean after their 'bonding' moment in the alley and went about his day as if Dean wasn't there, he sat down in a seat and was apparently not inviting Dean to join him.

'Rude' Dean thought 'I gave that kid a smoke'

Dean sauntered over to an empty desk, winking at a girl sitting beside him that had long red hair like Charlie's.

"Hey there" Dean started "names Winchester, Dean Winchester"

The girl grinned "I'm Anna," she paused "well Anael but everyone calls me Anna. I heard what you did in the cafeteria, that was awesome," another pause "but you should be careful, Crowley has eyes and ears all over this school, like his own little hellish kingdom, people nicknamed him 'The King of Hell' "

Dean frowned "like Satan?"

Anna looked at Dean right in the eyes "trust me Crowley's worse"

 

Dean made it through the day with minor paparazzi ambushes from gushing underclassmen, he was confident no one would rat him out and he'd already pegged Crowley as one who fights his own battles. The last bell sounded and Dean couldn't get out of the classroom fast enough, he wondered absentmindedly of Charlie or Dorothy had seen 'The Putdown' as many were calling it, he was sure he could ask them more about just who he 'put down' in that cafeteria, but he had an idea where to find them tomorrow, so he plastered a million dollar smile on his face and strolled down those halls like he owned the place.

As Dean walked out the doors of the school and bounced down the steps he heard his brother's shout. Dean turned around just in time to see Sam turn on The Bitchface 

"What the hell was that, Dean!"

"Sam you're gonna have to be a little more specific than 'that' I do plenty of things that you consider questionable" Dean snorted 

"In the cafeteria" sam growls "why did you have to go and start a fight," Sam pauses and a little softness enters his voice " I want to fit in here, Dean"

"Okay I'll have to give you snaps for that one, Sammy, that was an extremely effective guilt trip" Dean smirked, raising an eyebrow he said "are you sure you just are way to proud of you big brother, Sammy?"

Sam turned his head away "like hell" he shifted his books in his hands "let's just go"

Dean paled at the thought of going home and what would be waiting for him, and when he'd had such a good day, too, but smiled "anything for my biggest fan"

Sam tried to hide a smile "you know you're a jerk"

"Well you know you're a bitch, so I think that makes us even" Dean grinned at the same time Sam did "I won't hit any more people, unless I decide they were totally asking for it, if you get right on that homework when we get back, deal?"

Sam looks at Dean as they're going to the Impala "deal"

They rolled through the tiny town and past that gaudy church and into the driveway of their new house 

'I'm gonna have to unpack today' Dean thought while sighing out loud

The door opened with a creak and the smell of liquor hit both Sam and Dean immediately. Dean turns to Sam. "How about you go to your room and get started on your homework, then we'll go out for ice cream?"

"I'll hold you to that" Sam glanced worriedly back at Dean and then slipped through his door, the click of the door closing unleashed a small army of butterflies into his stomach.

"Dad?" Dean called softly, looking around the house. As he checked each room Dean began to feel more and more relieved, maybe John was out somewhere, found a new bar to terrorize or something like that, but then he heard his voice call out to him

"Dean, come here" there was a bit of a slur but Dean could tell John was sober enough to know what he was doing. John was in a storage room in the back of the house, the farthest away from Sam's room. 

"Yes, dad?" and right as that slipped out Dean knew he made a mistake

John sneered "Dad? Did I just hear that come out of your mouth? Because I thought I made myself totally clear that you are no son of mine until you stop being a useless little waste of space and a cocksucking little faggot" John took another swig from his bottle of amber liquid, he struggled to his feet and slipped off his belt, then he uttered five little words, words that whenever Dean heard them his blood ran cold "Dean take off your shirt"

"Sir, please I'm sorry it won't happen ag-"

"DON'T," John says this first word loudly, but then lowers his voice to barely a whisper " don't you dare try and get out of this boy, you'll take it how a man takes it or we can do this all night" 

Dean snaps his mouth shut and begins tugging off his shirt "yes, sir"

"I don't think you appreciate how much I do for you, Dean"

SNAP

"You tell me you're a little fairy, a fucking faggot, and do I throw you out on the streets?"

SNAP 

"Answer me, Dean"

SNAP 

"N-no you didn't sir"

"That's right, I'm trying to fix you, make you realize how diseased you are, you're infected, Dean"

SNAP

"Tell me what you are, Dean"

SNAP 

The pain. Dean can't think of anything else. Pain. Pain. Pain. Lighting up his back and arms.

SNAP SNAP

"Tell me Dean"

"I-I'm a disease"

John bends down and makes eye contact with Dean "what else?"

"I'm useless, I'm a waste of space because I'm infected."

John straightened back up. "Now what do you call me until your disorder is cured?"

"Sir"

"That's right, and what do you say to me for trying to fix you?"

"Thank you, sir"

John downs the rest of his bottle "get the fuck out of my sight, and go think on how you're going to fix being a faggot" he sneers

Dean stumbles out of the storage closet and into the bathroom, slamming the door and locking it. He collapses to the ground and silent tears begin streaming down his face. He was so stupid. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. None of this would've happened if he hadn't come out to John. No. None of this would've happened if had been better, been useful. Tears are dripping onto the floor now. He needs something to take away the pain from his back. Something. Anything. He struggles to get up and through his tear blurred eyes he spots that something that anything sitting right on the top of the counter. A razor.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let it be known that these are not my beliefs at all towards any LGBTQA+ persons I identify as bisexual myself so definitely not my views, homophobia is wrong and evil. 
> 
> I cringed while writing this chapter, it don't worry it will get better for Dean and Cas will get better, too 
> 
> Kind of short sorry the next will be longer I promise, sorry for any mistakes!
> 
> Thank you for reading!


	4. not his father's son

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean tries to cope with the beating and we learn a little more about his past.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> POSSIBLE TRIGGER WARININGS  
> Self harm  
> Abuse  
> Homophobia

Dean plucked the razor from the counter and eyed it like it was the greatest gift in the world, tears were still spilling down his cheeks and his back was still throbbing, he can feel his back thump in time with his heart beat.

It is this thought that sends him over the edge.

With a cry he drags the razor over his skin, angling the blade so that it would cut. Cut deep. Crimson liquid beads begin to appear on the lines that indicated where his razor fell. More and more until he was shaking so badly the razor flew from his hand. He needed more. More. More. He needs that release, that feeling again. Dean can hear sobbing from far away, or maybe it's close, he can't really tell. Blood is running down his arms in streams.

'I need a bandaid' Dean thought, 'Sammy can't see me like this' and it was that thought that drove him to stand up. Place his hands on the counter. Look in the mirror. Nobody needed him, but people needed Sam, and Dean needed to take care of his little brother. That was his job, and however shitty he may be doing at it it was still better than what John had been doing. Dean opens the cabinet to find it empty. He sighed and wiped his tears, nobody will ever know about this, he vowed nobody will ever want to know.

Dean folded his arms after rinsing off the excess blood and hesitantly peeked around the door. No one was in the hallway. Stepping outside the bathroom he makes a mad dash to the cardboard box with toiletries he grabbed an almost-used-up roll of bandage. It wasn't like they could afford such minor things like this all the time. He wrapped up the cuts on his arms quickly and pulled his sleeves back down again. 

The green eyed man marveled at how something like this could so easily be covered up. Something that caused so much relief to him could seemingly be so unnoticeable. So inconspicuous. 

"Dean!" Dean was startled from his reverie by Sam's voice calling out to him. It felt like Sam was far away but when Dean refocused Sam was standing tapping his foot just on the other side of the living room.

"Heya Sammy, finished homework?" Dean tried for a smile

Sam squinted "Are you okay? Did dad hurt you?"

To this Dean looked around worriedly, "Sam you can't just say things like that out loud" He put his hand on Sam shoulder as a comforting gesture, "I'm fine, I just messed up that's all. I was being stupid like I always am. Let's go get some ice cream"

"Dean you realize this discussion isn't over"

"Go put on your shoes, Sam"

 

Dean knew he had made a mistake right when he came out to John as bisexual. 

After Sam and Dean's mom, Mary Winchester died in a house fire John Winchester... went off the edge you could say. John was never home anymore, always out drinking or gambling, and whenever he got into too much trouble or debt with someone they would skip town. Move away to a new life, start over, all that hippie shit, so Dean learned to not get too attached. 

But then he had met this boy, Clarence. Clarence had this smile that could melt butter, and he was so nice, so caring. Dean always knew he liked boys just as much as girls, and he was okay with that, so when Clarence had taken him out behind the bleachers during a class in seventh grade and kissed him, Dean kissed right back. So help him he wrapped his arms right around Clarence's neck and shoved his tongue down his throat like there was no tomorrow.

After that they began dating and had been boyfriends for two weeks when Sam came home one day all riled up, teenage hormones or some shit. Sam started accusing John, saying that he was a horrible father, didn't care about them, just himself. This sent John into a rage only Dean had ever seen before, and when John got like that a beating was coming, Dean knew right then and there that he would never ever let John hurt Sam, if that meant redirecting the rage onto him, so be it. 

So he blurted out the three little words right then and there, right when John threw his hand back and was planning his attack the words slipped out. 'Dad I'm bisexual' simple as that. The deed had been done. 

John's head did a slow swivel to look at Dean, a fire burning in his eyes. 'What the fuck did you just say, boy?' John shoved Sam away and he hit the ground with a thud, which evidently only made Dean more eager to practically throw his life away to protect his little brother.

'I like boys and girls' Dean spit out 'I'm bi.'

Dean guessed to John the only part he heard of that was 'I like boys' because the next thing Dean knew John's fist was connecting to Deans jaw, and Dean hit the floor, tasting a metallic liquid he spit and blood covered the floor. 

"NO SON OF MINE IS A FAGGOT" John screamed kicking Dean over and over, pain laced through him but Dean had managed to yell at Sam to get out of the room, Sam crawled out and hid in their closet while Dean was being beaten, kicked, punched, spit on. All that time Dean held on because if he went out cold and John was still angry he knew who he would take his anger out on. so he kept holding onto consciousness, gripping the floor, blood all around, bruises already forming. John kicked him in the head one last time and spit on him "you do not call me 'dad' ever again until you realize how fucked up you are" John sneered "you're to call me sir only, you are not my son anymore" and then he walked away from the beaten bloodied mess that was Dean Winchester, left him to clean the blood from the ground, wrap himself in bandages, do the laundry, do the dishes, make lunch for Sam, and Dean Winchester knew he had done something terribly wrong. Not something he would ever think about taking back, though, because then someone else would have to bear John Winchester' s anger. 

Two days after that they left that town, Dean wasn't allowed to sit in the front anymore, so he crammed in the back with a nine year old Sammy who was instantly asleep the moment they shoved into the car, his head falling on Dean's lap. Dean never saw Clarence again but that was probably best, because he didn't think he could do the whole relationship thing for a while, after what had happened. So he tried to be a good soldier for Sam, he placed his hand on the sleeping boy's shoulder and they cruised out of town into the unknown.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so sorry this is like, two sad chapters in a row :( but don't worry next chap we'll get back in to Dean and Cas, I just needed to set up some background.  
> Also this story has been a little Dean focused but I plan to do something with Cas later on (watch out)  
> Any ideas about what you want to see? Please don't be shy I'm totally open to suggestions or criticisms.  
> Thank you psych for reading and remember comment and kudos really help ideas and inspiration ;)  
> (I might've told you this chapter would be longer than the last but I don't think it's that much longer, whoops)


	5. not worthy of hate

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean being a badass, Cas being an ass (slightly less than normal though)

The next morning Dean woke a little late, glancing at his clock he had pulled out of the boxes he quickly threw his sheets from on top of him and sprung out of bed. He hit Sam on the way out of the room 

"Sam you better get your ass up right now or we are gonna be late as hell!" Dean yelled at his little brother

Dean threw on black skinnys and leather jacket, painted his eyes in black eyeliner and ran to the fridge to grab an apple for Sam. 

"Dean you are so lucky I reminded you to go to the store after ice cream" Sam gloated

"Yeah, Yeah, got your homework, nerd?" Dean questioned while running to find the keys for the car, 'shit where could they be' Dean screamed at himself in his head. He checked out the window an noticed the Impala wasn't in the driveway...

"Dean I think dad took the car"

"Dammit!" Dean punched the wall, they had five minutes to get to the school... then an idea struck him. "Sam have we unpacked Harry's keys yet?"

Sam squinted trying to figure out what Dean was saying "Mom did give it to you..." Sam reasoned 

Dean smiled wide "c'mon Sammy let's make a scene"

 

Dean tore down the street with Sam clinging on to him for dear life on this moms old motorcycle, Harley, Harry for short. Sam whooped as they rounded a corner at breakneck speed, Dean yelled into the sky, a battle cry ringing out for all to hear. They speed into the parking lot with an impressive two minutes to spare. Heads turn, people whistle. Sam was dropped off right outside the parking lot, claiming he didn't want that kind of attention, but Dean was all too happy to solidify his position as reigning badass and revved Harley as she cruised up to a parking spot.

Dean sauntered up the steps and almost immediately was hit by Charlie." THE HELL? YOU HAVE A HARLEY AND DON'T OFFER ME A RIDE?"

Dean chuckled trying to hide a wince when Charlie hit him on one of the welts still gracing his back "you know me I'm just full of surprises"

"I saw you hanging around Novak yesterday" Charlie prompted 

"Yeah, great kid; real straightforward, amazing smile... I assume, I haven't seen one, but over all Oh MY GOD HE IS SUCH A PRICK" Dean finishes with a yell, trying to use up all his frustration. 

Charlie glanced at him with sympathy "mess with the bull you get the horns" Charlie stated, and started walking off "oh and Dean?"

"Yes, dear?"

Charlie smiled "you owe me a ride on that beauty outside"

"Anytime"

 

"D-Dean?" a voice muttered from behind him in the cafeteria, Dean turned around to find Castiel behind him 

Dean turned on his smile and set to to 'charm' "Hey there Angel, come to ask for a ride on my cycle, too?" 

Castiel looked down and whispered something to the ground.

"Cas, you're gonna have to speak up, I don't do mumbling"

Upon hearing that nickname his face contorts in confusion, but he regains himself and asks a bit louder "I-if that offer still stands, which is totally fine if it isn't, there's plenty of other people who can, I just-"

"Love the rambling but in an effort to save time, skip to the end of this ramble, Angel" Dean tries a comforting smile and that seems to relax Castiel a bit.

"Can you h-help me with my engineering?" Castiel looks down, embarrassed 

"Of course I can" 

He looks back up at Dean "really?" He questions in obvious surprise

Dean laughs "well what did you want me to do? Tease you about needing help? Because that is not my style"

"Oh..Okay....c-can I come by your place tonig-"

"NO" Dean cut him off he he opened his mouth then shut it again, realizing his outburst "um I meant not my place" imagining John asking if Castiel was his new boy toy, or worse John not caring that anyone was their and taking out his anger on Dean like no one was there, no, it was after to go to Castiels, they might be a little judgemental but its better than abusive

"Ohhkayy, my place...but let me remind you, were not friends, you're just my ...tutor" he stated indifferently and walked back over to his table full of cross wearing, bible thumpers, they literally prayed before they ate and then continued discussing a bible verse or some shit

He wished Dorothy or Charlie shared his lunch period, but alas he was without companionship. To save himself from awkwardness of sitting alone he walked over to his smoking alley. He had developed a headache the period before which was basically his body's way of saying he needed to smoke and he needed to do it RIGHT NOW. He got out a lighter and a pack, and with shaking hands he lit one up.

The green eyed man watched the smoke drift upwards as he sat on the hard asphalt of the alley, careful to not let his back touch the wall, he stayed there for a while, lost in thought, wondering what would happen of he just left, no one would miss him, right? No. He was sure of that but-

"Dean!" That gravelly voice rang out from the opening of the alley

"Well well well, couldn't stay away, could you" Dean blew out another breath of smoke as he struggled to his feet.

Castiel glared "of course not, This place smells awful when you're smoking"

Dean strolled over to Castiel and blew a breath of smoke in his face "you think I smell awful?

"I said smoke smells awful"

"So you think I smell good?" Dean slung an arm around Castiel' s shoulders an began walking them back to the school.

"Stop doing that." Castiel shrugs deans arm off scoots away from Dean 

"What, Angel?" He smirks at Castiel 

"That. Being nice. Flirting. Whatever you call it" Castiel whines. "You're supposed to be rude and mean and a sinner!" He raised his voice "I'm supposed to hate you!"

Dean stood and watched Castiel's outburst with surprise, and when he was sure Cas was finished he tentatively reached out and rested his arm on Cas' s shoulder "maybe what they tech you in Sunday school isn't totally true, Cas. People aren't always sinners just because they don't fit in with your crowd"

Castiel angrily wiped his eyes "no your wrong, I-I'm sure your wrong."

"Castiel look at me" Dean removed his hand from Cas' s shoulder and placed it under Cas's chin, gently bringing up his head to look into Deans eyes. "You don't have to believe in something just because your parents tell you too"

Castiel hardened his face "you don't know anything about my family, just stop it, I came out here to tell you class was about to start and now we're both late because of you" he stormed off, discreetly trying to wipe away tears on his way.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've had a lot of inspiration lately so the chapters have been coming out fairly quickly, please if you want me to keep going tell me by leaving kudos and comments, especially comments.  
> If there are any ideas people may have or anything you want to see in this fix let me know, I'm posting this fic on here for all of you :)


	6. not a choice

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shit hits the fan at the Novak household

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> PTW  
> Slight homophobia

Dean motored back from school, skipping red lights and once almost getting him and Sam run over, much to Sam's displeasure. But all Dean could think about is seeing Cas again, after Cas had stormed away a man with light brown hair going by the name Gabriel had gone up to Dean and handed him an address saying only that 'Castiel said to give this to you' then walked off. Dean could tell that Gabriel was Castiel' s brother, he had seen them together enough and they had similar characteristics, but why would Cas need to send his brother to deliver it? 

With tons of questions swirling around in his head he slowed down by the house in time for Sam to get off.

"Remember Sammy, if Da-John is in the house either go to that park we passed along the way or stay in your room, okay?" The elder Winchester nagged

"Yeah Dean, I know. Have fun on your date"

"Its not a date, Sam"

"Sure it isn't"

 

Dean bounced up the immaculate white steps and used their door knocker, 'they have a fucking door knocker.' He bounced on the balls of his feet and smiled as he heard a shout come from inside.

"WHO THE FUCK IS AT OUR DOOR NOW I'M NAPPING......CASTIEL GET THE FUCKING DOOR OR I SWEAR TO GOD......CASSIE GET THE DOOR...... NO I'M NOT GETTING THE DOOR I'M SLEEPING.......FUCK FINE BUT YOU OWE ME."

About ten seconds after that a slightly rumpled looking Gabriel opens to door "we meet again Mr. Winchester" he deadpanned

Dean stepped inside and Gabriel slammed the door closed. "Nice place" Dean stated, which was definitely an understatement, it looked like the houses he saw in movies. Fucking gold busts and art everywhere, except everything in this house was religious, crosses and paintings of the last supper and shit, who the hell wants to live like this?

"Its shit, all this religious crap everywhere. when I was 9 I about had a full on breakdown, I smashed this expensive cross and took a knife through a 1000 dollar painting of Jesus gettin his peircings done, holy fuck that felt great." Gabriel rambles on pulling a red lollipop out of his pocket followed by an avalanche of empty candy wrappers. 

"Umm.." Dean shifted his book on engineering and all his notes that he brought "so where's Cas?"

"Cas? You call him Cas? Oh that's great" Gabriel smiled "he must really like you" and he collapsed Into a fit of giggles.

"Yeah I think it's like, the exact opposite, but thanks for that observation" Dean retorts 

Gabriel wiped a tear from his eye "nononono you don't understand, deano, he hates nicknames, like with a passion, he only ever let's people call him Castiel.." Gabriel straightened himself out and whispered "we call him Cassie to make him mad" then another grin breaks out on his face "he's upstairs first door on your right" Gabriel winked "have fun, big boy"

Dean flippped him the bird and bounded up the steps, taking them two at a time. "Cas?" He calls out and opened the door first on the right. As Dean peeked his head in he sees Cas in jeans, a t shirt, and rocking out to Zepplin. Dean tried unsuccessfully to hide a snort and Cas swiveled around quickly to face him.

"Hi. Um" he shuts off the music "come in, Dean" Cas picks up a tan trenchcoat from his chair and tosses it onto the bed "um, please sit down?" 

Dean smirks and shrugs off his leather jacket to reveal a tight gray tee underneath, tattoos are peeking out from under the hem of his shirt and Cas stares at them in awe.

"D-did those hurt?"The blue eyed man reached his hand out as if to touch them, but then retracted it just as quickly.

"Nah, piece of cake. I got 'em for free, too. I used to help out at their shop" Dean hesitates "do you want...to maybe see them?"

Castiel opened his mouth and then shut it again "you know maybe we should just.. um, do our work." 

Dean hides the sadness that just washed over him "right, of course. So like"Dean sits I'm the chair provided for him and places all his stuff on the table "these are some notes I've taken, well not for me, but if anyone ever...needed them..." Dean didn't want to say he'd been taking notes solely for if Cas had ever asked him for help. "But here let's start with the basics..."

 

Dean couldn't remember how long they'd been there, just sitting at Castiel's desk going over notes. Dean making the occasional pop culture reference, to which Cas just cocked his head to a side and squinted, saying, 'I don't understand that refrence' but he remember when it started to go downhill.

"I'm home !" A woman's voice rang out from down the stairs

"Is that your mom?" Dean questioned 

Cas looked at him "Yes, why?"

"Shit what time is it!" Dean bolted up and looked at the clock, it read 6:30 "do you have a phone, Cas?" Dean didn't wait for am answer before chanting "oh my god oh my god oh my god" and scanning around the room for any type of communication device.

"Dean what's wrong" Cas got up and walked over but notably stayed at a distance.

"My brother he-" Dean started, he shuffled around some more and continued "I left him alone with-" Castiel held a phone out to him and Dean almost cried right then and there "oh my god thank you Cas"  
Dean started dialing and the phone was ringing. Ringing. Ringing

"Hello?"

"Oh my god, Sammy? I'm so sorry I lost track of time...is- is dad there?"  
Dean's words rushed out 

"Dean I'm fine I just had the rest of that rice, dad left a note saying he'd be gone for a few days, Some job interview or something"

"An interview?" Dean was sceptical, it was more likely he was going somewhere to get some ass. "That's great, so I'll be back by 8 at the latest...stay safe...Okay....it'snotadatesam...bye...bitch"

"soo.. what are you doing?" Castiel shuffled "do you have to go?" it was funny, he almost sounded sad.

Dean beamed "nah, let's take a break, though. I'd love to meet the illustrious Mrs. Novak" 

 

"Castiel is that you? Dinner will be ready in te-" the woman, Mrs. Novak turns around and stops midsentence as she noticed Dean standing behind Castiel. With wide eyes and an open mouth she took in Dean, tattoos, piercings, black, the whole package. "what a surprise" she struggled out " I've never seen you before, you must be from the family that just moved here" Cas's mother stared at him "how do you know my son?"

Dean stepped forward "I'm helping Cas..tiel out with his engineering"

Mrs. Novak turned her head toward her son. "Castiel we got you the best tutor in the town, why on earth would you want this..."she looked at Dean and evidently realized where she was going with that sentence 

"Dean is a good teacher, mom" Castiel steps in between his mom and Dean. 

The green eyed man noticed the tension brewing and speaks up "ma'am I think your chicken is done"

Mrs. Novak turns toward the oven and rushes to take out the meat. "Dean would you like to stay for dinner? I'd love to find out more about your family"

"I'd love to Mrs. Novak" Dean turns on his 'charm the parents' smile and asks "can I help set the table?"

 

Dean looks at the table, fully outfitted with nine plates." You must have a big family"

Castiel nodded and handed him forks to put out while he put the knives down "yeah, there's me, Gabriel, you've already met him, Anna, Balthazar, and the twins Michael and Lucifer."

Dean almost chokes "you have a brother named Lucifer?"

"I know right, he and Michael are both five, Balthy is ten, Anna is a freshman, I'm a senior and Gabriel graduated last year, although he still hangs around at school, many believe he is having intercourse with Ms. Kali, the Spanish teacher"

"Wow aren't you the little gossip magnet" Dean bumps Castiel's shoulder "so what's the gossip on me?"

"Many believe you're a homosexual, as you have shown no interest in the advances of the females, they believe you have tattoos *ahem* all over, and that you can play the guitar" Castiel pauses "some also think you have a crush on me"

Dean looks down and hides a smile "well I'll just say that they're wrong about two of those" he looks up and smiles "I'll let you figure out which ones"

 

The entire Novak family is sitting at the table now, Mr. Novak at the head Mrs. to his right, Dean is sitting next to Anna, who he remembered from school, and Cas.

"So Dean, are you planning to come to mass this weekend with your family? Almost everyone does in this town" Mr. Novak questioned.

"Uh, our family isn't very..religious" Dean stammered and played with one of his lip piercings

There was a silence. And Mrs. Novak jumped in "well that's fine, it would be lovely to have new parishioners, no matter what their...background" she finishes with a smile.

Mr. Novak looks at Dean again with apprehension "of course, even if they may be a little... rough around the edges, we welcome everyone"

"What about people who aren't straight? Or trans people, would you welcome them?" Dean jabs

Mr. Novak almost chokes on his drink and everyone goes silent "well I mean if they are willing to denounce their sinful ways and are ready to walk the path of righteousness, of course we would."

"Right, because you think it's a sin to be gay or bi or pan right, you think they are all going to hell" Dean challenges, he know it's stupid to get into a fight like this with a pastor, especially since this is the first time meeting him, but he can't help it.

"Well it is a sin, a very grave one, once people realize that, their choice to be that way will certainly change"

Dean balled his fist under the table "it's not a fuckin choice who you love or what you feel like"

Mr. Novaks voice goes a notch higher "Young man, you will watch your language when you are under my roof"

"Yeah, and I'm leaving," Dean stands up "thanks, Cas, you were great. Gabe I'm so sorry you have to live with this."Dean finished and stormed out the door.

That was stupid, stupid and he knew it. He can't go anywhere without doing something wrong. John was right, he was a disease, he had forgotten about Sammy, left him there where John could've been all because he wanted to do something for himself,he was selfish. Hot tears begin to fall and he wipes them away, why did he have to be so defective? He starts up the motor and blazes away from the Novak household, down the streets, to the trashy side of town , right where he belonged.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know if there's any mistakes and thank you for reading!!!  
> Please please please, comments and kudos are life!!  
> My tumblr is shadowhunters-of-artemis.tumblr.com  
> And my SPN blog is greetings-from-perdition.tumblr.com


	7. not Mary

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A lot of shit happens, it just all hits the fan.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> POSSIBLE TRIGGER WARNING
> 
> There is a sexual assault/abuse and a self harm part in this chap, it's not very long or graphic but its there. I'll mark the beginning and the end of it so you don't have to read it if you can't or don't want to.

"Sam, I'm back!" Dean called out as he stumbled through the door. 

"How was your date, Dean" sam teased from the kitchen

"Mr. and Mrs. Novak are two of the worst human beings on the planet"  
Is all Dean said in response ,and walked into the kitchen where Sam was "Shouldn't you be in bed, little man" Dean poked Sam in the stomach

"Its only 8:30 Dean, what the hell?"

Dean turns on his mom voice "and now you're swearing? Is this the kind of child I raised?"Dean cracked a smile and held in a laugh "you will watch your language when you're under my roof! Now go to your room and say two rosaries, and pray that the Lord will forgive you for using such an indecent vocabulary" Dean starts cracking up "oh my god, Sammy what if we actually lived like that?"

Sam begins to smile, too "was it really that bad?"

"Oh yeah, I wonder what will happen when I get arrested, will the Mrs. just pretend not to know me?"Dean spoke in a high pitched voice, imitating Mrs. Novak "Oh what a shame such a young boy was led down the path of unrighteousness, if only we had gotten to him first, we could've shown him the error of his unholy ways before he committed such a crime"

Sam squinted "Dean, you just said 'when'"

"Oh come on, you're gonna throw a fit about that now?" Dean turns to walk away "can you remember a town we lived in that I DIDN'T get arrested at least once?"

"Dean, dammit stop doing that to yourself!" Sam spins Dean back around "stop selling yourself short, stop just excepting that you'll make a mess of your life no matter what you do!" he pleads.

Dean's gaze darkens "alright end of discussion,"

"Dean, you can't avoi-"

Dean's voice cuts him off but remains quiet and hard "watch me" he says, and turns away, stomping to his room and slamming the door. He grabs the box filled with his very few belongings and begins angrily unpacking it, placing a picture of him and his mom on the dresser, right next to one of him and Sam. Finding some of his old beat up classic rock posters he got from a garage sale he puts those up, too. All his clothes he puts in the dresser and he places all his extra piercings on his desk he made himself.

Dean sighed, the realization he'll have to start all over here finally starts sinking in. They weren't exactly rich in their old town, but Dean kept their heads above water, he had a decently paying job as a bartender, but that job ended with an arrest for lying about his age. He helped Benny at the tattoo parlor, and picked up odd shifts now and then at the local garage, helping change tires or fixing some shit. It was alot , and he loved it, some days were worse than others, sure. Some days he came home exhausted, just to have John beat the shit out of him, telling Dean he was useless, a waste of space, a disease, or that it should've been him and not Mary that died in that fire. And he'll admit, a lot of days he believed that. Every single word. 

But got better. When he watched Sammy take his first steps, first words, first day of school, when he got his first crush, on a girl named Ruby. All those little moments made life worth holding on to, all those little moments when he wasn't being ridiculed by anyone. That was what he lived for. A small smile appeared on his face, and with those thoughts fresh on his mind, he fell fast asleep.

 

Dean awakens in the middle of the night to the sound of shuffling feet in the hallway he tries to make his breath steady as he tries to tell if it's just Sam. Dean's door handle rattles and slowly turns. A crack of light appeared, getting larger and larger as the door swung farther and farther open. The silhouette of a large man stands in the doorway, and if the smell is anything to go by he must be absolutely plastered.

"S-sir? John?" Dean whispers, he hears mumbling coming from what he's sure is John now.

(don't read any farther if what I said above will trigger you or if you dint want yo read that)

"Mary? Mary is that you?" John steps in and in one swift motion he is pinning Dean on his bed. Dean can smell the alcohol on his father and dry heaves from the smell, Dean nose wrinkles as he struggles for purchase. 

"Stop it! Get off!" Dean struggles again as a line of drool falls onto his face 

"Mary, look at you...your eyes...jusst like I remberrred" John slurs and begins licking long stripes up Deans neck "stillll have thaat same tassste" 

Tears well up in Deans eyes and he begins sobbing "s-stop please, stop it"

John looks at Dean like an animal in need of discipline "stop struggling, my love. It's me. I'm here now. I'm going to take gooood care of youuu" he bops Deans nose "okaaay?"

"Nnno, I'm not Mary, please no" 

John flashes him a feral smile and begins tugging at Dean's shirt. "Let's play Mary, I've missed you sooo much" John mouths up Deans neck and begins sucking. "Mary, Mary" he breathes against Deans neck,"so good for me" he runs his hands over Deans shirtless torso "so soft" 

Dean keeps pleading over and over, struggling until he just can't anymore. All throughout the next hour Dean keeps up a steady string of 'stops' and 'I'm not Marys' but it doesn't work. And right when Dean couldn't handle it anymore John falls asleep, right beside Dean mumbling "Mary" and "so good for me"

Dean sobs with relief and jumps out of the bed, grabbing his shirt and boxers off the ground where John had discarded them, and bounds into the bathroom, locking the door. Dean turns on the sink and wets a washcloth rubbing at his skin until it was raw, Dean touches a hickey on his neck and let's loose another sob. 'Oh my god what did I do?' Dean thought pacing around the bathroom

A river of fear washes over him and his hands start trembling, his breaths are coming rapidly now and he rushes over to the toilet, feeling as if he's going to be sick. "Oh my god oh my god oh my god" Dean chants over and over again, Dean heaves into the toilet but nothing comes up. Dean's heart is almost jumping out of his chest. 'I've got to get my breathing under control' Deans brain says, but all his body says is 'it's tIME TO PANIC' Dean fumbles for the razor again and slices down his arm, letting out a shuddering breath, the pain, bringing him down to earth. He begins breathing 'in through the nose, out through the mouth' Dean drags the razor across his other arm now, he lets out a cry and lets it clatter to the floor. Dean begins crying in earnest now, feeling so unclean, so used up. He grabs the wet rag and begins rubbing his arms, scrubbing his neck again, working on the side of his face where John shot his load, he literally masturbated to the sight of 'Mary' naked. Dean scrubs harder and harder, crying, pleading to anyone upstairs that was listening that they would do something. Help him. No. Help Sam. Get him out of this life. Into one he deserves. Dean falls asleep from exhaustion right on the bathroom floor.

 

(okay, finished now)

Dean jolts up next morning to the sound is Sam from outside the bathroom.

"Dean come on get out of the bathroom, you've been in there forever" Sam whines, pounding at the door. "I know you need time to get ready, princess, but his is a whole new level of diva, even for you"

Dean rubs his eyes and surveys the bathroom, he grabs the bloodied rag and throws it in the garbage, looking at the room he deems it presentable and steps out, facing Sam with a grade A bitchface

"Well all that time in the bathroom didn't do much, you still look awful" Sam snaps and shoulders past Dean into the bathroom.

The elder Winchester was left in the hallway, still attempting to process what had happened that night, as he thought about it he let out a shuddering breath and rubbed at his neck. Dean knew he should get ready but he just couldn't. Couldn't function. He mechanically moved to the fridge, opened it, and shut it again. Looking around he saw his backpack discarded by the door and went to pick it up. He wanted to do something. Needed to do something.

'Pants' he thought "I need pants" he then said aloud to no one. He ghosted over to his room and peeked inside. John was still there, snoring away like he hadn't just molested his son last night. Dean tiptoed in and pulled out a pair of crimson pants and a black tee with the letters 'FML' "how appropriate" Dean mumbled, just the kind of shirt he needed today.

"Dean lets go! I told you I needed to go in early, I'm meeting up with a study group before school!" Sam called while Dean was struggling into his clothes

"You never told me that, bitch"

"Well I am now, jerk"

Dean sighed, he just couldn't function right now. "Tell you what Sammy, you take the Impala to school right now, and I'll just come later on Harry"

Sam stepped around the corner "Dean are you okay? You're letting me drive?"

"I've taught you how to drive, you've done it before"

Sam takes a step forward "yeah but...let me drive YOUR baby? Alone?"

"Just go to your nerd group, Sammy" Dean cuts in gruffly 

"Dean if this is about last night, if you don't want to see me or talk to me..." Sam hesitates

Dean runs a hand over his face "look, Sam I promise it's not, just get going or you're going to be late for being early." Dean tries to smile as his lame ass joke. 

"Okay, Dean see you at school"

Dean whispers back "bye Sammy" as the door slams. A cigarette is in his hand and lit before he even heard the engine roar from outside. Deep suck in, slow breath out, deep suck in, slow breath out, watching the smoke twirl upwards and dissipate. Just gone. He wished he could do that. Just disappear as easily as smoke. It would save him the trouble of facing life today, because he was just not feeling it. Not at all.

Dean stayed like that for a while. Not leaning against the wall for fear of his back, some cuts had reopened last night and he didn't want to think about what would happen if he upset John again before his back had time to heal. What kind of permanent marks that would leave.

The green eyed man was startled out of his reverie by a grumble coming from his room. Glancing at the clock he struggled up and meandered over to the front door. Dean was only driven because of one thought, he did not want to be here when John woke up. When John came stumbling out of his room. HIS room. Dean did not want to look at him, and what's worse is that John won't even remember it, he won't have to deal with the guilt of what happened last night. That's okay though, Dean would enough for the both of them and then some.

He wanders over to where his motorcycle was parked and kicked up the kickstand. He sits down. He turns it on. He sits there. He revved the engine. He sits some more.

Finally Dean found it in him somewhere to actually move Harry. He sped through the town past that church again. That damned church, those damned Novaks. Why did some of them have to be so...appealing while others so...unappealing, unappealing in every sense of the word. The school parking lot is just around the corner but Dean hesitated, he could go into the town today, see if there were any job openings anywhere... that sounded much more inticing than sitting in school all day. But... it was only his third day. People, teachers especially, still remember him. Sam could cover for him, say that he's sick or something... Sam would do that, right? Yeah, he definitely would...probably.

So Dean turned around and puttered along through their main street, keeping his eye out for any 'Help Wanted' s anywhere, but alas, by 11 he had combed through the town and there wasn't anything. What the hell kind of a town doesn't have ANY job openings? Dean needed money, first months rent was due soon and their food stock was already dwindling next to nothing again. He could check that little restaurant bar thing he saw coming in.. that place was pretty big, by far the largest eatery in this town. They must need some sort of help, Dean did have experience with working at a bar. Maybe, just maybe. Dean turned around and shot through the town going until he reached the outskirts of this little town. A sign above the old western style establishment declared it 'The Roadhouse' in weather worn red letters. Dean didn't see a sign, but he was sure if any place in this town could need a little extra helping hand it was this one.

He parked and began to walk to the door, there were a couple cars in the parking lot but Dean had a feeling it would soon be fairly full with all the people on their lunch break. Bells jingle as Dean stepped in to the building.

he called out "hello?" 

"Who the hell is it?" came a singsong voice from behind the bar

"My name is Dean, Dean Winchester, and I was wondering if you needed some help here?"

A brunette head peeks up from behind the bar, she groaned then straightened out. "I'm Ellen Harvelle, and are you askin me for a job, kid?" She steps around the bar to inspect Dean closer. "Hell, you look my daughter's age, how old are you kid?"

"T-twenty one" Dean stammered.

Ellen frowned "yeah and I'm ten. Shouldn't you be in school right now Dean Winchester?" 

"Please, Mrs. Harvelle, my family really needs the money, and no where else needs any more help. What about if I came in after school every day? I could work the bar, too. I have experience."

Ellen crossed her arms "I'll tell you what, Dean, Monday through Friday 4-9. You can come work then, BUT I want you to show me that your homework is finished before you begin working. If it isn't finished by 4 come work on it here, okay?"

Dean smiled, homework? That was all? "Okay Mrs. Harvelle, thank you so much, you won't regret it. I promise"

"Okay kid, one more thing. I want you back at school right now. Go straight there, okay?"

"Okay, I promise"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry. I don't know why I do this to my precious bby Dean.  
> I feel like this chapter is pretty long, do you feel that?  
> Please please please comment and leave kudos, but comments especially! :)  
> Let me know if there are any mistakes pls  
> Until next chapter!


	8. showing promise

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Short chapter with angst and fluff

At 11:52 Dean stepped foot inside the school, he was too happy to really be disappointed about coming back here, but not being in school...well, it was pretty nice.

"Hi I'm Dean Winchester, I think my brother came in here saying I'd be sick, but I'm feeling totally fine and I'm ready to continue my education" Dean flashed a smile at the secretary 

The Secretary, Mr. Milton, looked up from a book and frowned at Dean "one second," he sighed. There were a few clicking noises and then Mr. Milton spoke up again "yes, your brother did sign you in as sick today...but he said you have a terrible butt rash, are you sure you're okay enough to go to school Mr. Winchester?" Mr. Milton raised an eyebrow.

Dean kept up the smile, a little more forced this time, but replied "yep! It was like a miracle! Praise J.C. and all those little naked winged dudes up there on clouds, am I right sir?" Dean almost laughed at hindsight then and there, oh my god he sounded so stupid.

"Ah-er-yes I suppose" Mr Milton looked back at his computer alright you're free to return to school, currently you're on your lunch"

Dean was already heading out the door "thank you sir!" He called behind his back. Once he was out of sight he let his theatrical smile fall and pulled out his pack of cigarettes 'damn' Dean thought 'I need to get some more'

Dean knew smoking in the school wasn't exactly his smartest move, but nobody was here right now , most were at lunch, and the rest were far away in a different set of classrooms. So he lit it up and took a long drag while strolling through the hallways. Dean fiddled with his tounge piercing a bit before taking another drag, and letting it out slowly. Dean was content to simply stroll through the empty hallways, it was pretty peaceful, actually. For something so noisy all the time to be so-

A guttural scream tore Dean out of his thoughts and he was tearing down the hallway in a flash, trying to decipher where the noise was coming from. A laugh followed by another cry echoed down the hall to him and Dean took off again, getting closer, closer, closer.

"Help!" 

"Shut up, ya little bitch. .no one can hear you" 

Dean rounded a corner and was met by a heart shattering scene. Castiel, lying on the floor. With Crowley and a couple of his goons circling him in. 

Dean called out "Crowley you sunuvabitch, the hell do you think you're doing?" He snarled

Crowley picked up Cas by his sweater's collar and slammed him back against the wall, all the while looking straight at Dean.

"Whatever. I. Want." Each word accentuated by slamming Cas back like a rag doll

Dean clenched his fists and gritted his teeth "dammit you have three seconds to get the he'll outta here, Crowley, or I'll make you wish you never came in the first place."

"Squirrel, I wonder how you've stayed in school this long, because you clearly cannot do math. There's four of us, and one of you" Crowley took a step forward " so I say go ahead" 

The first punch to Crowleys face landed a split second after, and then it was all out war. Dean managed to send two down pretty early on, but Crowley and this other guy, Dean though his name was Alistair; they were tough. Castiel had struggled into a sitting position now, and was watching with horror as Crowley came up from behind and got Dean in a full nelson. Dean struggled and kicked out at Alistair, who was remaining just out of reach.

"Dean, Dean, Dean. From the minute I saw you in that cafeteria I knew you held such promise" Alistair taunted in a nasally voice.

"What the fuck? Is that a gay joke?" Dean laughed and spat in Alistair's face. Dean glanced around comically "do you think I'm being punked?" Dean pretended to whisper 

A punch was delivered straight into his gut, and Dean keeled over. 'Note to self' Dean thought ' Alistair can punch just as hard as John" 

Alistair leaned in close and whispered into Deans ear "Dean, I saw the lust in your eyes when you were fighting just now, I saw how much you loved it"

"Yeah okay, that's not at all pervy" Dean sassed back "yo Cas, maybe you could grab that book and hit one of these two idiots with it please?"

Alistair didn't turn around "that little twink? He couldn't lift a-"

one second: Alistair, next second: falling Alistair, next second: Castiel holding his math book. Dean quickly took that moment of surprise to slam his foot into Crowleys shin and hit him over the head. Dean and Cas stood, surrounded by four guys on the ground, out like a light.

Laughter bubbled up in Dean's throat "wow way to go, Cas" Dean smiled and turned to him "are you alright? Do you need to go to the nurses office?" 

Castiels eyes widened "NO, no, no I can't, if my parents found out..." Castiel trailed off 

"I get it, but let me patch you up,okay?" Dean said inspecting a gash on Cas' s forehead. 

"O-okay...thank you Dean, for...that" Castiel murmured

Dean wrapped his arm around Castiel "sure, thing Angel"

"Dean?"

"Hmm?"

"What's a twink?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know this chap was pretty short, but this idea just came to me quickly :)


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Stuff, very short chap.

Dean did a once over on Cas one last time. 

"Alright, I think your good" Dean grinned "so you fell down some pretty long steps, huh Cas?"

Cas' s eyes narrowed and he tilted his head "I don't understand, I didn't fall down any steps. They attacked me, you saw them....and they called me a pretty gay boy..a...twink?, I do not understand either your or Alistair' s logic." He huffed

Dean belted out a laugh "Cas, buddy, it's what you say when anyone asks you what happened, 'you fell down some stairs'"

Castiel's face melts into one of understanding "ah, I apologize." he paused then continued "this doesn't happen much anymore, and when it did, they kept it slightly more concealed"

Dean's eyebrows shot up "anymore?" He prompted

"W-when Gabriel was in school he used to...excuse my french.. piss off Crowleys gang quite a bit, and they would take it out on me instead" 

Dean whistled "damn, that's fucked up.... did Gabriel even know?"

Castiel laughed bitterly "I don't think so, but even if he did he probably didn't care. Just glad I was getting it and not him"

Dean frowned and touched Cas's shoulder "hey, don't talk like that." Dean continued "even if Gabriel didn't know or didn't care, I do, and I'll help you out, understand?"

Cas looked into Dean's eyes, really looked, for the first time "thank you" he whispered

The bell rings, signifying the end of the period and Castiel' s eyes go wide "you need to go, I need to go, I mean-" Castiel begins pushing away Dean.

Dean cuts him off " I get it, can't be seen with me in public, right?"

"Dean it's not you it's just- I-"

"I said I get it, Cas" Dean turns around, ready to leave "make sure to clean your cuts with alcohol when you get home, so they won't get infected" and Dean is off. Into the crowd of people now filling the hallway, just another punk-wannabe smoker who sins for fun, who can't be caught dead with a pastors kid, because what if they got the wrong idea and thought Cas was a sinner, too? No, he didn't want to sink Cas to his level. Cas, who deserved a beautiful, kind, religious, woman, and Dean... well, Dean wasn't even one of those things.

He shouldered past people in the hallway and trudged to his next class,two days ago, he was glad that the blue eyed pastor's kid was in all his classes, but now, it seemed like a curse. Castiel, casting him sideways glances when no one was looking. Dean trying in vain to ignore those baby blues. It was going to be a long rest of the day.

 

Dean couldn't stay mad at Castiel, not really.

So when Castiel came up to him after school, notably after all his friends had left, and shyly asked if he was free over the weekend. Dammit, Dean lunged at the opportunity to go on a... to hang out with Cas. 

"Of course I'm free, Cas. I got here like, three days ago." Dean snorted

Was Cas actually blushing? No, nevermind, it's hot today, he's probably just flushed from the heat.

"O-on Saturday there's this..pool party thing? Like my dad's friends from church are hosting it so you probably wouldn't want to come, but its hot and...there's a pool? My dad said I could bring a friend and you're like a friend, I mean-you could be, if we looked at it that way...but we shouldn't because you're gay but, I mean not that it matters to me. I mean... it does matter to me but not in a bad way, and you should probably say something now." Castiel rambles, rubbing the back of his neck

Dean smiles, "I'd love to come if I can bring Sammy...and what gave you the impression I was gay?" 

Castiel frowned "I mean, you're not straight... so you have to be gay?" Cas phrased it as a question

Dean smiled at Cas' s ignorance "there are other sexualities besides gay and straight, Cas. Didn't you hear me at dinner?" 

"My parents won't talk about it, they say it doesn't matter what it's called, just that it's a sin."

Dean sucked in a breath "okay, where to begin? Well I can explain it like doors if that helps, it's how I taught Sammy" Dean pauses and collects his thoughts and then continues. Sitting down, he begins " alright straight is like when the door swings one way, gay is the door swings the other way, bisexual, the door swings both ways, pansexual is like its a revolving door, demisexual is when the door is locked, and asexual is just a wall." 

Cars seems to get it because then he asks "so what door are you?"

Dean laughs at his metaphor "I'm bi" he looks at Cas, "and what door are you?"

"I...I don't know anymore" he whispered as he stared at his shiny gold cross, hanging from his neck like a noose. Cas shook his head, "I mean I'm straight, heterosexual, only swinging one way" he declared

Dean paused, waiting for him to continue, but when it became obvious Cas was done talking about it, he jumped in "so after that little lesson in sexualities...what time on Saturday?"

"12, but I can pick you up maybe?"

Dean held back a smile at how date-y this felt "sure, that's fine. See ya, Cas" Dean walked away and just barely caught 'goodbye Dean Winchester' no more than a whisper in the wind.

 

As Dean pulled up to the house he saw Sam got home safely and that made him feel instantly better, he wasn't sure if that was because his brother was in one piece or the car, but he opted to go with both.

"Sammy? I'm h-" a figure standing in the kitchen made him break off his greeting. Dean straightened out and lifted his chin up "sir, do you need anything"

John stepped forward and backhanded Dean across the face, he could taste the metallic tang of blood as he straightened back up

"The fuck is my jack boy?" John sneered "you took it" another slap, this time across his other cheek.

Dean raised his hand to his cheek "I-I didn't take anything, sir. I promise"

John gasps in mock surprise "you didn't? Well then I guess I go ask Sam where he put them" John begins turning away slowly, moving to Sam's room.

Dean's eyes go wide,and he grabs John's shirt to try and tug him back. Even though the mere though of touching John makes Dean want to hurl. "N-no sir, please. I'm sorry. I lied I did take the rest of your whiskey. I drank it." Dean lowers his voice "please don't hurt Sammy"

"Well since you asked so nicely.." John bared his teeth in a grotesque grin "I'll just hurt you instead, faggot" John kicks Dean on the knee and he crumpled to the floor. "Little baby Dean wants to steal my stuff, huh? You don't deserve anything this good, you deserve to be on the streets begging for scraps"

Dean was crying silently now, not from physical pain, but from all the degrading comments over the years..slowly building up..getting more and more real. Dean just couldn't take them anymore. And John knew it. He knew the worst form of torture for Dean was emotional, beating him down with words, excentuating those words with physical pain.

"Mary would still be alive if it wasn't for you!" More punches, more kicks, when they landed on his back Dean would cry out, but making sound only made John more violent. "You killed her, you did Dean Winchester, you're a killer, a murderer. No one will ever be able to love you. Everyone leaves you. Mary did. All your friends did. Sam will eventually.. and you wanna know why? No one ever wants to be close to someone like you." More slaps, more slams. John finishes his little hobby time by splashing him with water "go clean up, pig"

Dean curls up into the fetal position and lays there for a while, just lays. He can't think about anything. Can't process any thoughts, so Dean Winchester just lays there, on the bottom of the stairs...

The stairs that he fell down.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In honor of 666 hits 
> 
> I promise the next chapter will be long and filled with Dean Cas bonding time. Hang on!! :)


	10. criminal

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The pool partayy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know I haven't updated in a while, but it hasn't really been TOO long :)
> 
> Enjoy!

The rest of the week felt uneventful really, Dean was just anticipating Saturday too much.

Dean did his first shift at The Roadhouse, waiting tables, chattin up the guests. Ellen called him a natural, although Dean didn't think there was that much to it. He kept a smile on his face, a few winks here, a few chuckles there, and Dean had the guests in the palm of his hand. A couple girls (and one boy) slipped Dean their number just on that first day, with cheesy messages on the backs of old receipts, oh yeah, living the life. 

As promised he came in that first day with a totally written lab report and completely finished math assignment. 

"See Mrs. Harvelle? Totally finished, just like I promised. Now what do you need me to do?" Dean waggled his homework in her face like a first grader wanting their mothers praise.

"Yeah yeah, get that apron on and get waitin, you have those tables in the back, Mr. Winchester" Ellen said, wiping off the bar "and Dean?"  
She called after him

"Yes Mrs. Harvelle?"

"Call me Ellen"

"Yes ma'am"

Dean met Ellen's daughter, Jo, and they totally hit it off. Teasing back and forth all night. When he brought Sam the next day Jo didn't stop fussing over him the whole time.

"Does your brother take good care of you?"

"Jeez, kiddo you need a haircut"

"Do you need anything to eat?"

"Are you thirsty?"

Dean replied every time "step off Jo, he's fine! Jesus give the kid some space!" 

All in all. They got along pretty well.

 

Dean started sitting with Jo and all her friends at lunch. There was Kevin, Ruby, Benny, and a couple others he didn't remember the names of, but they were great. Not sitting alone at lunch was awesome.

 

The teachers warmed up to him, too. The piercings and the black threw them off at the start. But when Dean kept turning in his homework, and getting good grades on his homework. Well, that was good enough for them. 

 

Castiel, on the other hand, steered clear of Dean when he was with his bible thumper friends. In the halls they would exchange quick looks. In class they would keep their conversations strictly school related.

"So Cas, you get this bit on engines?" Dean would ask

"I think I've grasped it" came Cas's quick reply

"Cause if you don't-"

"I said I understand, Dean" 

Dean would put up his hands in surrender and mutter "alright, alright"

He was so whipped.

 

Dean steered clear of John, at least, when he was around long enough to to be steered clear of. He spent alot of time out of the house and when he did come home he was always drunk, always ready for a fight. So Dean decidedly gave him no fuel for that fire and kept out of the way.

 

Then Saturday rolled around. 

John had been gone since yesterday morning, saying something like "I'll be back for some money when I run out." But Dean really didn't care. He wanted to see Cas, and not little religious Cas, who was afraid to even acknowledge his existence, but the Cas he knew, who was a little but shy and mumbled a lot. Asking questions about this or that.

"Sammy, you ready to go?" Dean called 

"Yeah, where did you put my new swimming shorts?"

Dean sighed "in your bottom drawer," 

They had had to go and buy new shorts for Sam, since the last time he had needed any was a couple years ago, and in those couple years Sam had started shooting up like a weed. Dean didn't get any, much to Sam's dismay. But it wasn't like he was going to be swimming, not with all these people around, not with fresh scars on his back and arms. No, he'll stay safely on the sidelines, just being happy Sam was getting to do something fun.

Dean was wearing an old Zepplin tank with little cheap bracelets covering his arms. Now that he had a little money though, Dean thought he could invest in some new tattoos, to cover his arms and back. 'Wouldn't that be nice' Dean dreamed.

"Okay, Dean I'm ready" Sam bounced down the steps with a bag full of sunscreen, beach towels, probably a book or two, too, knowing Sam.

"Alright" Dean glanced at the clock "Cas should be here any minute so be ready, squirt"

At that moment Dean heard a car stop outside their house, then footsteps up to the door, then the doorbell. Dean swung open the door and grinned

"Heya, Cas, ready to get you party on?"

Cas squinted "I suppose"

Sam walked up from behind Dean "is this Castiel Novak?"

Cas tried a smile "pleasure to meet you, Sam" he said, extending his hand.

Sam took it and shook vigorously "I've met your sister, Anna. She's in my class."

"I hope she's been behaving herself" Castiel lowered his voice and that sensation went straight to Dean s dick. 

Dean let out a breath and composed himself just as Sam replied with a smile "oh yeah, she's super nice"

Dean cut in "alright, enough socalizing, let's go" he stepped past Cas and headed to Cas's car, a fancy sports car, that was parked on the curb. It looked totally out of place in this shabby neighborhood, and Dean started to become a little more conscious of the income gap between him and Castiel. 

As they cruised away from their shack to the nicer neighborhoods Cas spoke up

"Are you not swimming, Dean?" He questioned

Dean absentmindedly touched his arms "no, that wouldn't be very smart"

Cas continued watching the road but he tilted his head to the side "why not?"

Sam, obviously waiting for the perfect moment to hang up on Dean added in "yeah, why aren't you, Dean?"

"I just don't need to be sharing the same water with tons of sweaty kids, who probably aren't even potty trained yet." Dean snaps

And thus ended car talk time.

 

They pulled up to a beautiful modern house on top of a hill. Fountain up front, shrubs lining the walkway, it was gorgeous. Dean hated it.

"Hot damn" Sam breathed as he saw the house "this place is nice"

Castiel glanced up at the house and started towards it. "I never really noticed" he said "the Miltons own a lot of real estate in this town, probably the ground you live on."

Dean chuckled "wait Milton like Secretary Milton? From school?"

Cas nodded "Mr. Milton likes to keep up appearances, people love him because he acts so humble all the time. Helping out the school as a secretary just gets him bonus points from everyone"

Dean whistled "when I said you were the gossip magnet I wasn't expecting this much of it." Dean turned and looked at Cas "isn't gossip a sin, Angel?"

Sam stayed a step or two behind, observing the conversation, but when they reached the door he pushed past them to the front. Castiel pressed their doorbell and Mr. Milton opened the door. He glanced at all three of them before cracking a smile.

"Castiel Novak and the Winchester brothers, so good to see you." He said "Castiel, your family is already here, you can just go through to the back" 

"Much appreciated" Castiel fixed his hair and strolled through, followed closely by an excited Sam.

The backyard was giant. There was a huge pool with kids and teenagers splashing around, there was an enormous patio with a bar, grill, and extra douche. Men with sweaters tied around their shoulders chatting with women dressed in conservative dresses and sensible shoes. It was like overly religious Christian meets rich tycoon, and Dean already couldn't stand it.

Cas came up to Dean "I know it's not really your favorite type of party, I'm sorry I asked you to come"

Dean looked over at Cas, who was looking at the immaculately polished floor "hey I'm good. As long as Sam's happy, I'm happy" He took out a cigarette and lit it up "besides I can smoke here"

Cas scrunched up his nose "that's not good for you, it gives you cancer"

Dean puffed out a breath "well that'll be a fun new adventure" he sucked in and then, almost as an afterthought said "what, you aren't going to lecture me on sinning now?"

"No,"

"Alrighty then"

Sam slopped over, already dripping wet "Dean seriously, this pool is so nice" he shook his head, sending water droplets everywhere "Vas can you show me where the food is?" 

Castiel smiled down at him "of course, Sam. Dean, I'll be right back"

As Dean watched Cas and Sam leave for the snacks, a figure came up to Dean. A cough alerted him to their presence.

Mrs. Novak was standing behind him with a face of disgust "are you smoking!?" She pulled it out of his hands "what on earth? There are children here young man!"

Dean plucks it back from her and takes another drag "I see that there are children here, but you know what? I'm not a child. I'm an adult, and I'm am legally allowed to smoke here"

Her face hardened "I don't want you going near my son anymore, not Castiel, not any one of my family members. And you better watch out, one little step out of line and I'll get your ass sent straight to jail." She seethed

Dean smirked "now Mrs. Novak, isn't swearing a sin?"

A voice called out "Eve Novak! I haven't seen you in aaages dear!"

Eve straightened up and her face lit up instantly "Naomi, it's been too long!" Come I'll get you a drink" the two ladies walked off and Dean was left alone again. He leaned back against the wall and blew out a shuddering smokey breath. Dean needed to be careful here, making enemies with a cop was not a good idea. But I mean, who in their right mind wouldn't hate the bitch?

'I'll go find Cas' Dean thought, he needed something to do, some little task to get his mind off things. Dean strolled through the middle aged country clubbers, pretending not to notice their looks. Disgust, confusion, disapproval, hate, it was all there. Dean finished his smoke and threw it in the pool, resulting in a few gasps, but he just kept walking in the direction that Cas and Sam headed. After a while he spotted Sam carrying a plate overflowing with snacks, and a sandwich in between his teeth.

Dean sped up a little and then greeted Sam "hey, Sammy, see you found the motherload." Dean glanced around but didn't notice Cas anywhere "do you know where Cas went?"

Sam spoke around his sandwich "ahh, 'e weh tha wa, wit hi frannds" and pointed off towards a white gazeboo, ringed with flowers.

Dean took that to mean 'yeah, he went off that way with his friends' and he started over towards the beautiful, awful, white gazebo.

As he neared he heard laughter and a voice say "honestly Castiel, he's bad news. I don't know why you even want to be seen with him. Everyone knows he's a faggot, he's just not worth it"

Then a voice Dean knew to be Anna' s said "he beat up Crowley on the first day. He's a criminal just waiting to happen, Castiel"

Dean feels his eyes water, Anna seemed so nice. Sam said she was, too. He peeked through a hole in the fencing and saw Cas, Anna, a guy named Raphael, and a couple other people.

Cas spoke now "it's not like we're actually friends or anything, I mean he's going to hell. My parents just made me invite him and his little brother so they can try and set him on the right path or whatever" Cas rubbed at the back of his neck and coughed.

Real tears were prickling his eyes now. He felt the first roll onto his cheek and hit the ground. He was stupid to think that Cas ever liked him anyway, no one liked him. Sam tolerated him because he was the one who got their money, but no one would ever want to be around him. He was an idiot, John was right, so, so right.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please comments are life!!
> 
> So yeah, Cas is still pretty jerkish, but people don't change overnight.
> 
> Tell me what you thought pretty please, also, maybe next Chap could be in Cas' s point of view??? Thoughts??


	11. bad news

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Short Chap in Castiel's POV  
> Enjoy :)

CASTIEL'S POV

Castiel hated the smell of cigarette smoke.

Dean was talking about getting cancer as a new adventure and he hated it. Cas could see the spark in his eyes simmer down when Dean talked about himself, he could see how worthless Dean felt. Cas wanted to help, he did. Dean wasn't quite the man Cas's parents made him believe, but he couldn't become an outcast. He didn't want to give all that up, or did he? 

Sam approaches, dripping wet from the pool shaking his hair everywhere, and startling Cas out of his daydream.

"Dean, seriously this pool is so nice" he turned his head toward Cas and he immediately started worrying 

'Did I do something wrong? Does he think I hurt Dean? What is he going to say? Please, Father give me strength.' Cas's inner monologue raged

"Cas, can you show me where the food is?"

Castiel relaxed, he could do that. Putting on a smile he replied "of course, follow me."

He led Sam over towards the back patio, that held all the snacks and drinks. As they trudged along, Sam slopping with every step, Cas finds the courage to question Sam.

"I-is Dean okay?" Sam's head turns sharply and Castiel hesitates before adding "I mean, he seems kind of...sad?"

Sam closes his eyes and let's put a breath "I'm worried about him, too" now it's Sam turn to hesitate "I-I think he might have depression or something"

Castiel stops, they are well in the visible range of the food now, but Sam pauses as well. Sam rubbed his arm and tears start to well up.

"I don't know what to do! Dean won't talk about anything but he has really low self esteem and he pretty much completely takes care of me!" Sam's voice escalated "He's stretching himself so far and I'm worried he's about to break!" Sam stops abruptly, and spoke again, in a calmer tone "I'm sorry, I didn't need to tell you any of that," Sam tries for a laugh "I mean we only just met today and all"

Castiel' s face crumpled, Dean takes care of Sam? All by himself? Where's their parents? 

Castiel spoke up "my uncle is a doctor, well, a therapist" he said "maybe I can give you his number for Dean. He can try and help, you know, for free?"

Sam quickly wipes a tear away "thank you, Castiel. I think Dean really cares about you, and now I'm starting to think you might just care about him, too"

"Castiel, where have you been?" Anna calls out from the direction of the Milton' s gazebo "come over here!"

Sam smiles "go talk with your friends, I can find the food from here"

"I'll give you that number on Monday?"

"Sure"

Castiel makes his way over to his friends, and steps inside the gazebo. It's almost ten degrees hotter in there, and the only seat left is next to Zachariah. He always looked a little old for his age, and no one liked him, even Cas.

"Cas, there you are" Zachariah said "we were just talking about the new addition to Lebannon High" he wrinkled his nose "I bet he can't even afford some new pencils. And did you see what he was wearing?" He scoffed "people like him make me sick"

Anna shifts in her seat and rubs the back of her neck.

Then Raphael speaks up "I heard you brought him and his little brother here today"

Zachariah laughs "honestly Castiel, he's bad news. I don't know why you even want to be seen with him. Everyone knows he's a faggot, he's just not worth it"

Cas opened his mouth to protest and then shut it again, did he really want to ruin his life for one person?

Anna glanced around before adding in "he beat up Crowley on the first day. He's a criminal just waiting to happen, Castiel"

Cas opened his mouth and words came out now, but it was not the words he was expecting "it's not like we're actually friends or anything" what are you doing, Castiel? "I mean he's going to hell." No he's not! "My parents just made me invite him and his little brother so they can try and set him on the right path or whatever" Cas knew that was a low blow, he did. And right after it came out of his mouth he regretted it.

"Damn, Cas" Gabriel came out of a darkened corner "you really know how to make a guy feel special" Gabe said vehemently "you guys drape yourself In the flag of heaven, but you're worse than Crowley's gang" he turns his head and locks eyes with Castiel "at least they admit to who they are," Gabriel stormed out and left the rest there in an awkward silence. Someone coughs, another shifts, and Cas can't stand it.

What had he gotten himself into?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know this was pretty short but next one we'll get back into Dean's story
> 
> Let me know if you liked this one and you want more POV switches in the future!! :)


	12. not alone

Dean stumbled away from the gazebo, hurt stabbing him in the chest. He was an idiot for thinking anyone would actually want to be his friend. 

Dean tore away, past the food, past the people. He didn't even get Sam  
But I mean, he's probably having more fun here anyway, away from him. Tears flowed freely down his face voices floated around his head.

'You're the reason Mary's dead, Dean. You're a waste of space. You don't deserve to be here. It should've been you!' imaginary John shouted at him 

'Its not like we're friend or anything. He's going to hell' imaginary Cas teased

Dean is somewhere in town now, he covers his ears and yells "SHUT UP SHUT UP!" He breathes heavily "stop please" he all but whines. Dean slides down the wall of some building muttering "useless, stupid, faggot"

"Dean?" A voice calls out and Deans head turns sharply

His heart is pounding "Ellen?" Dean squinted "do you pity me? Is that why you gave me a job?" His voice raises an octave "do you even like me? But I mean what's their to like? Ellen I don't know what to do!" He yells, sobbing

"Oh my god" Ellen breathes and rushes over. She circles her arms around him and pulls him up "Dean what's wrong, honey?"

Dean looks at her through teary eyes and whispered "I'M wrong, Ellen." He pushed back "I'm nothing!"

Ellen picks up her grocery bags from where she dropped them and then says "Dean Winchester, I've only known you for a few days, but if I've learned anything in that little amount of time it's that you are one of the most hardworking, charming, funny, and best person I've ever met."Dean looks up at her "now Dean Winchester, you are not alone. You have people who care about you, even if you may not know that yet." Ellen pulls him in for a hug "you're not wrong, Dean Winchester. You're perfect just as you are, okay?"

Dean sets his chin on her shoulder,"okay" he said, only half meaning it.

Ellen pulls back and looks him in the face "do you need a ride anywhere, hun?"

Dean breathes deeply in and out "no I'm fine now, thank you Ellen"

Ellen starts walking away, but then turns back around "I want to see you on Monday, 4 sharp Mr. Winchester"

Dean salutes her "4 sharp"

 

The door opens and shuts and all of a sudden, Sam is on him.

"What the hell, Dean? Where the fuck did you go?" Sam questions

Dean sits down at the kitchen table and let's out a shaky breath filled with smoke "I just needed to leave, I'm sorry. I know you must've been worried" he says the words he rehearsed for when Sam got home.

"Damn straight," Sam puts his hands on his hips "Dean what happened?"

"I was just being an idiot, Sammy. Nothing new." 

"Dean, before I left I got this number" Sam begins, fishing around in his pocket for the piece of paper with Chuck Novak' s number.

Dean laughs "good for you Sammy! Finally got a date!"

Sam swats away his brother's well meaning claps and continues "no it's for you, his name is Chuck Shurley, he's a therapist"

"No"

"No, whaddya mean no?" Sam unfolds the paper "Dean I don't know all of what's wrong, but I think this guy can help you" Sam pleads

"And I said no, Sam. Drop it." Dean starts to stand up, but Sam reaches out a hand to stop him.

"Please, Dean" Sam said, pushing that damned piece of paper forward toward him.

"Sam we don't need to waste money on me just to see some shrink, that will tell me things I already know" Dean barks

Sam's voice softens "Dean just call him and talk a little while, no charge" and before Dean has time to counter, he adds in "for me?"

Dean glares at Sam through his eyelashes, daring him to talk again. Sam keeps his mouth shut, turns on his puppy eyes, and its an old fashioned staredown. Dean finally throws his hands up in the air.

"Alright, fine." A smile breaks out on Sam's face, and Dean continues "one call, and one call only" He grabs the paper and shoves it into his pocket.

Sam starts to walk away, but then turns around sharply "oh yeah! Dean, this was in the mailbox" he hand Dean a small white letter and then actually leaves, walking down to his room and shutting the door.

Dean stares down and the letter with trepidation and carefully tore it open. Even as he pulled the letter out he already knew what it was about. Their first months rent is due in two days and Dean still needs 200 more dollars to meet it. If they don't pay in two days they'll already be evicted from a house they just moved into.

Great. What a great day. 

Dean absentmindedly ran his fingers over the cuts on his arm. What the hell's he going to do? John's gone, Sam needs to focus on school. He could pick up a few extra shifts at the diner...would that cover it? Probably not in time. Dean sighed and ran a hand over his face. He can't do this any more. He just can't

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So sorry this chapter is so short and it too a while but there's just been so much gong on, thanks for being patient and staying with my little story!!!
> 
> Ideas, comments, feedback, I'm all ears. I love reading your comments! :)


	13. free breakfast

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sam and Dean go to church

The next morning was torture just getting up.

The sun shone through the tattered blinds and hit Dean right in the face, yelling 'ITS TIME TO GET UP, FIVE IN THE MORNING, TIME TO GET UP'

Dean let out a sigh and rolled up into a sitting position, rubbing his eyes. He didn't really want to deal with today, or tomorrow for that matter. He just wanted to lay down, go back to sleep, or eat something. Or not, he didn't really know. Dean just sat there for a while, and then laid there, then sat, then laid. He didn't want to get up, he didn't, getting up implied you were going to go do something, which Dean definitely was not. So he rolled onto one side, then the other, then he laid on his back, then his stomach, then back up to sitting.

He was laying on his stomach when he heard a patter of footsteps running down the hall in his direction. The door swung open and Sam was standing in the doorway in boxers and a moose shirt.

"Dean c'mon, we're going to church!" Sam grins

Dean puts an arm over his face and grumbles back "I'm going to pretend you didn't just say that"

Sam bounces over and tugs on Dean's arm "I'm totally serious, jerk. I heard at the party yesterday there's going to be a breakfast for everyone who attended church after" 

Dean slowly opens his eyes "free breakfast?"

Sam raised his eyebrow "only if we go to church"

Dean begins the process of sitting up "will there be pancakes?"

Sam smirks "most definitely"

Dean squints at his little brother "okay" he said "but only for the pancakes" 

Sam pumps his arm up in the air "YES!" He shouts and runs out, calling behind him "we have to leave in 15!"

Finally having a reason to get up, Dean struggles out of bed and fumbles around for some clothes. He didn't want to see Cas again, but Dean had learned to never, ever turn down free food. No matter what. So he played around with a comb for a couple of seconds, pulled on his already worn black boots, made sure his sleeves were pulled down low enough, and they were off. Black Impala motoring off to church, what fun.

Dean and Sam raced from their car to the steps of the church, they were almost late, and while Dean didn't really care, Sam would have none of it.

"Dean, we're gonna be late" Sam cried as they pulled into the parking lot

Dean feigned concern "oh no! Whatever shall we do?"

Sam squints at Dean "haha very funny jerk,"

"I know I'm funny bitch" 

Sam rolled his eyes "let's just go" he said while opening up the door and breaking into a run.

"Dammit Sam wait up!" Dean called after his little brother, hurrying to lock the car and run after him "You better fuckin slow down or so help me, bitch!" Dean yelled ahead to Sam, earning a gasp from an elderly lady he just passes. He rolled his eyes and continued racing after his brother, who cared what a little old lady thought.

They both jumped up the stairs and as they were walking through the front doors Dean thwacked Sam in the back of the head

"Don't ever make me run like that ever again, it was awful" Dean chastised, trying to even out his breathing and look like a normal human being before anyone saw them. All that smoking certainly did not help his fitness.

Sam rubbed the back of his head good naturedly and replied "if you would quit smoking and eat a little healthier maybe that wouldn't have been such a challenge for you"

Dean swung an arm around his brother and smiled "yeah, yeah, I get it Sammy. You think I'm smoking and eating myself into an early grave."

"Maybe God will save you"

Dean snorted "I don't think he cares enough" Dean said "and if anyone needs saving, it's you. When was the last time you had a date, little brother?"

Sam just shushed him and they entered into the main part of the church, it was massive, and completely filled. Sam and Dean finally located seats in the second row to the front and crammed themselves in between and elderly couple and a family of four.

"Why the fuck do we have to sit in the front? I agreed to go to this for the food, not the view" Dean whispered angrily at Sam.

Sam swung his head around and looked at him "oh I'm sorry, did you want to sit by that couple in the back that can't keeps their hands off each other?" Sam countered

Dean sunk into the pew "no" he said, defeated.

Sam turned back around "that's what I thought"

The worst part was the fact that the Novaks were sitting up a row, and just about five seats over was Cas. Castiel, picking at the hem of his tan trenchcoat and sitting there, completely oblivious to the fact that Dean was sitting practically right behind him. 

Music starts from the choir and the priest comes out and now everyone's standing up and singing along and Dean hates it. He doesn't get how everyone can be so happy, so smiley. After a while they sit down, people read. Mr Novak comes and talks forever on some stupid topic, and talks, and talks, and shouts, and talks again. It was an awful hour for him, he almost fell asleep once..or twice. But it was finally over and people were singing and getting up to leave. Dean could only think about free breakfast now, the best kind of food is free food.

Dean and Sam squeeze out of the pew and then-

"Dean?" Cas calls out and jogs up to them "and Sam!" He smiled "Dean I thought you said your family wasn't very religious?"

Dean looked down "yeah well.." he mumbled

Sam jumped in "I think Dean meant to say that HE isn't very religious" he elbowed Dean in the side "I loved the service!"

Dean began picking at his sleeve "lets just go Sam" Dean said quietly 

Sam looked bewilderingly at Dean "dude, what's the matter?"

"Nothing, I'm just hungry" Dean said with a little more force

"Okay, jeez. Thought you would've been excited to see Cas" Sam said 

Dean and Sam took off then for the side door leading to their giant rec center. Leaving Cas standing there with a confused expression on his face.

Gabriel walks up behind Castiel "damn if I didn't know any better I'd say he heard what you said yesterday, Cassie"

Cas shot him a glare for using that nickname. But then looked back in the direction that Sam and Dean left.

Dean couldn't have heard, could he?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow so this chapter came out pretty fast. All the comments I got really helped me!! thank you so much!! 
> 
> Next chap will be in Castiels POV and it will be amazing so hold on!!
> 
> I love to hear your feedback, you guys are all amazing :)


	14. so sorry

The door slams shut and the two men are upon each other in an instant, one gripping the other's shirt, the other running a hand through his hair. 

"Cas, I need you, please" the man panted, kissing and sucking up the side of Cas' s neck 

" Dean," Castiel moaned. They fumble over to the couch, kissing, moaning, sucking; and Castiel pushes Dean down below him "beg for it, Dean" Castiel orders. He rips off his own shirt and leans slowly down to whisper in Deans ear "beg for me," A shudder runs through Dean's body at that and he quickly discards his shirt. Cas runs his hands up and down Deans bare torso and grinds his hips down on Dean's making him shout with pleasure at the friction.

"Please, oh my god please!" Dean groans as Cas kisses down his stomach, stopping at his nipples to play with them before moving on. 

Dean leans up and captures their mouths in a heated kiss, he opened up his mouth, inviting Cas in and he took over, fumbling at Deans belt while dominating his mouth.

They break apart for a breath and Cas latches onto the side of Dean's neck, sucking at a particularly sensitive spot that makes Dean moan. loud.

"Dean if you call that begging I will stop right now" Castiel taunts, towering over him with either hand beside Dean head.

Dean lets out a shuddering breath "Cas, please, I need you to f-"

Cas launched up in his bed, panting. The imaginary room fading quickly away, he whipped his head from side to side looking for discarded shirts and belts, but no. He was back in his bedroom, sun peeking in from between the blinds. He rubs his eyes, 'what the heck happened? Did he actually just have a "dirty dream" as Gabe called it? And with a guy? And with Dean!?' Castiels mind shouted 

Still shaking, Cas throws his covers back and runs into the bathroom, he turns on the faucet and crisp, cool water flows out. He splashed some on his face and looked back up into the mirror. He stared at himself in the mirror, he looked the same. After what he just dreamt how can he look the same? As he stared at himself he realised his boxers felt wet, he quickly kicked then off and noticed they were covered with a strange, thick, white liquid. His eyebrows scrunched together as he examined his soiled undergarments. 

Castiel made a mad dash to his room and pulled on some sweats before heading down the hallway, clutching tightly at his underwear. He stopped in front of the last door in the hall and knocked.

"Gabe?" He called out quietly, a groan answers him. "Gabriel I'm coming in" Castiel declared and swung open the door. Gabe was sprawled all over his bed, inching into a sitting position. 

"What the hell couldn't have waited two more hours?" Gabe grumbled and ran a hand through his bed head.

Castiel closed the door behind him and perched on the edge of his brother's bed "um I-I was wondering... " Cas begins "wh-what is this stuff?" He asks quickly while thrusting out his boxers.

Gabe glances down at it and does a double take. A grin breaks out onto his face and laughter begins to bubble up, as Gabe cracks up Cas's cheeks begin to redden "Castiel" he puts a hand on his little brothers shoulder and wipes away a tear "there's no easy way to say this, so here it is" Gabe takes a breath "thats semen, little bro, sperm, jizz, cum, you blew your load, busted your nut" he laughs again "did you dream about gettin' it on with some little Sunday school chick?"

Castiel looks down speechless, he just sinned. What was happening to him? What was going on?

"Cassie, I need to know the details. You already told me this much you might as well finish the story" Gabriel pleads, wiping another tear away.

Cas keeps his head down and utters out "I-it wasn't exactly a Sunday school chick" 

"Ohhkayyy, was it that one girl from that rollerblading arena?" Gabe elbows his little brother "I bet it was, you sly dog"

Castiel looks over at Gabe "I meant it wasn't exactly a-a...chick" he whispers.

Gabriel's eyes widen to the size of dinner plates and he gets out "so you... got it on with a...guy?" Gabriel's eyebrows furrow and a smile begins appearing again. "Do you even know how that works, Cassie?"

Cas snatched his boxers and stood up "that'll be all, Gabriel" he says sharply, a blush coming up on his cheeks again. "It didn't mean anything, I'm not..g-gay" 

Gabe gives him a warm smile "of course you're not" 

As Castiel began to walk out the door he turned back around. "And thank you, Gabriel" he said quietly

"Hey little bro, you know me" he grinned "here to help"

 

His family got to the church a half an hour before the service and Gabriel whined the whole way there.

"Its a sin to get up this early!" He cried as he drove himself, Cas, and Anna to church

Anna sighed from the back seat and Cas couldn't agree more, but nevertheless, they pulled into the parking lot and were in the church at 8:30 exactly. They went to go sit in the first row, their 'usual' and people began piling in. Jimmy Novak, Castiel's father, took great pride in the fact that almost every single person attended church. The building was packed to the brim with people, creating a loud murmuring sound as everyone spoke to one another. Cas hated this part, it was so noisy, so loud, so undesirable.

 

After it was over Cas stood up and tugged on Gabriel's sleeve. Gabe only swatted his hand away and continued talking with a female that was sitting in the row behind them. Typical.

 

"Come on, let's get out of here" Cas asked to an unresponsive Gabe.

Gabe hurriedly turns around "give me two fuckin minutes and then we can go, alright?" Then he's back to chatting up some girl, she's twirling her hair, he's leaning forward. Gross.

He turns around only to see.

"Dean?" Cas calls out and jogs up to them "and Sam!" He smiled "Dean I thought you said your family wasn't very religious?"

Dean suddenly hunched over and began picking at something at his sleeve. What on earth? What was wrong, he was smiling just a second ago, and now he's seemingly closed in on himself. Cas squinted his eyes and tilted his head at Deans odd behavior.

Just as Cas was going to call Dean out Sam butted in "I think Dean meant to say that HE isn't very religious" he elbowed Dean in the side and stared at his brother "I loved the service!"

Then Dean leaned over and said something quietly to Sam, still picking at his sleeve. Cas opened his mouth to ask if anything was wrong but then shut it again, letting the two brothers have their conversation in privacy. When Gas turned back around he saw them moving away, towards their recreation center, where the free breakfast was being served. Castiel understood then how Sam got Dean to come. But he didn't understand what was wrong with Dean, was he okay? Was he sick? Has he called Chuck yet? Cas hoped he had.

"damn if I didn't know any better I'd say he heard what you said yesterday, Cassie" Gabriel said, coming up behind him.

Cas shot him a glare for using that nickname. But then looked back in the direction that Sam and Dean left.

Dean couldn't have heard, could he? Even if he did hear that, did he stay long enough to hear Cas tell of his friends? Cas was worried now. He needed to fix this, he liked Dean in a totally platonic, just-friends kind of way, and he definitely liked him better than Zachariah and company. Then Cas got an idea.

"Hey Gabe, can we stay a little longer?" Cad asked, eyes still fixed on the spot Sam and Dean had vanished.Out of the corner of his eye he saw his big brother throw his hands up in the air. 

"Jesus!" Gabe exclaimed "make up your mind, kid!" he grumbled and walked over to that girl again, flashed her a smile, and just like that they were chatting again.

Castiel began walking over to the recreation center, already there was a line of people milling about out the door. He did not have time for this. He started shoving his way through the crowd, much to the disdain of many. Although he did say excuse me he didn't think that would cover almost stepping on someone's toddler. He spotted Dean and Sam near the front of the line, and even from this distance he could see the happiness on Deans face, probably from the food, but it was there.

"Castiel, you left pretty quickly at the party" Zachariah said, cutting Cas's view of Dean off completely. "I hope you're not trying to see that Winchester boy up there." Zachariah said, a warning in his voice "he's bad news, Castiel. He'll lead you down the wrong path, the sinful path. I'm just trying to help you"

Cas took a step back "you know what Zachariah?" He asked in a loud voice, heads turned his direction and chatter died down a bit. "F-" he took a breath "fffuck you" he managed, there wear a couple gasps and now more heads were turning "you're an awful person, you're a judgemental, hypocritical, stereotyping assbutt and we are NOT friends" he took a breath "so you can just go to hell"

Cas shoves past a shocked Zachariah, and runs over to Sam and Dean. Almost the entire crowd was silently watching now. Some are clapping, some are glaring, but most are just standing, shocked that Castiel Novak, son of pastor Jimmy Novak, would do something like that.

Sam and Dean are no exception, they stand with their mouths open and eyes wide as Cas comes running up.

"Dean?" Cas began "I need to tell you that I don't know what you heard yesterday, but I am so sorry for what I said, I think you're amazing and talented and smart, and I really truly want to be your friend." A blush rises up on Cas's cheeks as he remembered the dream he had last night, but he shakes that feeling away. "Dean, those guys are not my friends," he pauses "you are. And I am totally embarrassed about yesterday and what I said and I want you to know I didn't mean any of it" he finished and looked up into Deans eyes for the first time. Dean's eyes are watering and he's biting his lip in this incredibly sexy way-wait, not the time for this. 

Cas grabs Dean and pulls him in for a hug. Dean wraps his arms around Cas's waist and clings on to him like it's life or death. Cas rests his head in the crook of Dean s neck and Dean hides his in Cas' s shoulder.

People begin clapping in earnest now, a couple whistles, a few whoops, but Cas can't really hear them. He's too focused on Deans shirt little sobs and breaths. After what feels like an eternity they pull apart. 

"Dean?" Cas prompts

Dean rubs his eyes "yeah, Cas?"

"Maybe you could help me with my engineering tonight?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So sorry for any mistakes I kinda wrote this one quickly. I just had so many ideas all at once!
> 
> So pretty please tell me what you think and if you have anything you want to see in this fic don't be shy, I'm always open to suggestions!


	15. not jealous

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean and Cas bonding time

The next day at school Dean and Cas were inseparable, they sat right next to each other in all their classes. And when lunch period came around, Cas walked, with slight hesitation, right by his old table and followed Dean. Who went and sat with Jo, Benny, Kevin, and a couple others.

As Cas neared the table he glanced at Dean, who had already sat down and was saving a spot for Cas.

"Dean? Is it really okay if I-" Cas began

Dean cut in with a short "if you're my friend, you're their friend" Dean patted the spot next to him and he saw Cas glance over to the table with Cas' s old douchebag friends. "Hey, Cas? I never really said thank you for what you did yesterday" Dean still couldn't believe that someone had done something like that for him. He didn't deserve anything like that, and yet...

"Dean, you've thanked me for plenty" Cas said, sitting down next to him, Dean watched as Cas looked around again, watching all of the people in the cafeteria hurriedly look back down at their food in an attempt to not be caught staring. 

People had been staring at them all day, most had heard or seen what happened with Zachariah, but very few expected that gold cross wearing, pastor's son Castiel would ever actually hang out with tattooed, delinquet Dean Winchester. Dean didn't think so either, but hey, whaddya know? He just had to take it a day at a time and hope to God nobody left him.

Before Cas even got to take a bite of his sandwich, Dean struggled up and grabbed Cas's sleeve, yanking him up as well. "Come on let's get out of here, I can't eat with all these eyes on me" he joked. Turning around to the rest of the people at the table he said "hey Cas and I are gonna bounce. Jo, see ya tonight"

The blonde didn't look up from her food but replied "later Winchester"

Dean looked back at Cas and tugged him out the doors of the cafeteria and into the open air. "Wanna try another smoke? I just got like five more packs so don't worry" Dean asked on their way to the alley. 

Cas wrinkled his nose "no thank you, never again" 

Dean laughed. Actually laughed out loud, full of happiness. "Aww, c'mon angel you get used to it" Dean didn't know why he was so happy, maybe because someone stood up for him, maybe because that someone decided to stick around, no matter. 

They rounded the alley and Dean spotted two familiar figures farther down in the alley. "CHARLIE, DOROTHY" he yelled and they quickly jumped apart before recognizing who it was.

"Dean!" Charlie called, she ran over and hugged him "long time no see!" She pulled back and studied his face for a moment. A cough sounded from Cas, who was standing behind Dean. The red head peeked around and her eyes widened in surprise "Castiel Novak..." she breathed

Cas tiptoed out from behind Dean, but, to Dean's surprise, stayed close by him, very close.

Cas gave a tentative smile "hi, you're Charlie, correct,?" He glanced over "and...Dorothy?" He asked

Dorothy made a surprised sound and Charlie smiled. "Yeah, I didn't realize you even paid attention to people like us"

Cats rubbed the back of his neck "yeah..well.. my brother, Gabriel used to have a crush on you, before you came out as...you know" he trailed off 

Dorothy came up and put an arm around her girlfriend. She frowned "you know, you can say it out loud. Unless you think that's a sin, too?" She glared at Cas.

He put his hands up in the air "I-I'm sorry, it's just... I've never actually talked to someone who's...not straight, beside Dean" he blushed "sorry if I offended you, it's just.. I don't know what to think anymore"

Dorothy's face softened "hey, it's alright."

Charlie piped up "yeah, it's totally cool. I remember when I was questioning, too" she smiled at him.

Dean watched as Castiel's face transformed "I am NOT questioning my sexuality"

Dean practically felt the tension brewing in the air, and apparently so did Charlie because she spoke up again 

"Umm, Dorothy and I are supposed to be in history right now anyway..so well just...go" she stumbled, pulling Dorothy out of the alley behind her. "I'll see you later Dean" she called behind her, her words bouncing off the walls and echoing down to Dean and Cas.

Once they're gone Dean turns quickly around to Cas, who is leaning against the wall, breathing heavily. He rushed over and put his hands on Cas's shoulders, shaking him ever so slightly.

"Hey, Cas. It's just me now" Dean talked soothingly to the blue eyed man.

Cas brought his hands up to his face and dug the heels of his palms into his eyes. "Dean, I don't know what's happening to me " he breathed out.

Dean's brain was yelling at him to start freaking out but he took a deep breath and then said. "Cas, you need to look at me" when he didn't remove his hands Dean repeated with more force "angel, look at me"

Dean watched as Cas slowly removed his hands and lifted his head upwards. Castiel's eyes were worried and a little watery but it was better than Dean was expecting. 

"Dean," Castiel got out, before breathing heavily again, to Dean it looked like he kept remembering something that he shouldn't.

"Okay, Cas, here" he pulled a cigarette out and lit it. When he took his hands off of Cas' s shoulders, Cas let out a small whimper at the loss of contact, which surprised Dean so much that he nearly dropped the smoke.

He lifted the lit cigarette to Cas's lips "alright breathe in" Dean ordered calmly. He knew this probably wasn't the best way to deal with this, but he knew when he needed to calm down quickly, smoking was the best solution. Well, maybe not the BEST, but the most effective.

Cas took a breath in and let it out again, keeping the coughing to a minimum this time. Cas took a few more drags before visibly relaxing and whispering "thank you, Dean."

Dean, who was already recycling the cigarette on himself, chuckled "what happened to 'never again'?"

Cas looked at him "well you pretty much forced it down my throat, so there's that."

Dean blew out a puff into Cas's face, which made him wrinkle his nose and swat away the curls of smoke from around his head.

"Hey you didn't say stop" Dean teased, trying to lighten the mood after what just happened, he was never a real serious guy, Dean found joking was easier.

"It was still gross, but it was really calming. I guess it's like when they smoke bees to make them more docile before they harvest their honey." Castiel reasoned

Dean contorts his face in confusion "bees dude? You're relating this to bees?"

Cas's voice comes out loud and defensive "bees are the world's backbone, Dean." He huffed "I should expect you wouldn't think anything of them"

Dean lets out a breathy laugh and strolled over to Castiel's side "Cas, no one thinks anything of them. They're bees."

Cas crossed his arms and looked up at Dean angrily "if we didn't have bees our entire ecosystem would collapse, bees are the greatest animals on the planet."

Dean throws his hands up "alright, you know what? We're done discussing bees. If you can't stay calm about this then you don't get to talk about them"

Castiel frowned "I am calm" he whined and paced around "I'm super calm" he repeated "super duper duper calm" he said, more to himself than Dean.

Dean didn't know what was wrong with Cas today, his emotions had just been all over the place. He stepped forward and threw his cigarette butt to the ground "Cas, is this just about bees?" He asked softly

The blue eyed man stayed silent for a moment and Dean just stood there, let him take his time. He listened to the dripping sound of water droplets coming from somewhere, after a while Cas blurted out "Dean, have you ever done something bad and gotten punished by your parents for it?"

The question took Dean aback and he subconsciously touched a scar on his upper arm, from one of the many beatings John had given him. "W-why do you ask?" He struggled out

Cas sits down "I haven't really seen my parents yet...after what happened yesterday, I mean." He took a deep breath and let it out slowly "my mom had been on duty after that, late into the night. And my dad had been bust at the church, meeting dying people and all that... I-I'm worried about what'll happen, Dean."

Dean put his hands on his hips "jeez man, I'm not good with this shit. I mean, are your parents ever like, mean to you?" 

Cas shook his head "no, but that's just because I've never done anything wrong before"

Dan scratched the back of his head "well it can't be too bad" he reasoned "I mean they'll yell at you for a while, maybe like, ground you?" Dean blew out a breath "I told you, I'm really not good with this fucking shit. I've never been punished like...that before" 

"How do your parents scold you?"

"Parent" corrected Dean, he waved his hands before Cas could apologize "don't say I'm sorry, it was a long time ago, my mom, Mary, she uh...house fire" Dean struggled out "my dad he just...gives me the silent treatment, ya know" 

Cas slumps his shoulders "I'd take silent treatment that long lecture and a grounding"

Dean chuckled and said "oh trust me, it's bad. You would not want my father's kind of punishment" he pulled Castiel up "why don't you just ask Gabriel, he seems like a person who'd get into plenty if lecture worthy shit"

Cas sighed "I know he is, trouble is he's never gotten busted for anything before"

"Damn, he must be good" Dean began shepherding him out of the alley

"Dean? What'd you mean that you'd see that girl Jo later tonight?" Cas asked casually.

Dean glanced over at him and saw that look on his face, he scoffed "dude are you jealous?"

"No" Cas blushed "I'm not!"

Dean chuckled as they headed back to class "sure your not"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not really that sure about this chapter but hey...


	16. not bad at all

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Short chap, sorry

Dean lugged the heavy backpack over his shoulder and played with his lip piercing while he went to find Sam. He hated this time of the day, when everyone was crowding into the hallways, trying in vain to be the first one out the door. It was so noisy, so chaotic, there were people yelling stuff back and forth at each other from down the halls, there was that one guy sleeping. Dean stumbled and shoved his way through the crowd and finally spotted a shock of brown hair poking above the rest.

"SAMMY" he called, adding fuel to the already abuzz hallway.

Sam's head turns in Dean's direction, and Dean watches as Sam's eyes scan the crowd for his big brother. Dean does a little wave and starts heading over.

"Dean, I thought we meet by your car?" Sam asked while shoving book after book into his backpack.

Dean lent against the lockers and put on a smile. "Yeah I just wanted to ask you if it was okay if Cas came over for a bit, it's only till four I promise" 

Sam put on bitchface #3 that said 'Did you really just ask me that?' He let out a laugh "that's all? Dude, you know I don't care if Castiel comes over, hell, have him stay the night. We can eat out of a tub of ice cream and braid each other's hair" he smiled and when Dean didn't smile back he turned back around mumbling "screw you I'm hilarious"

"Yeah okay, Jim Gaffigan thanks for your consent" Dean rolled his eyes and began walking back to find Cas. He shoved through the hallway again and made it back to Cas' s locker in record time. 

Dean approached Cas "okay you can crash at our place for a bit Cas, but if I were you, I'd just rip off the bandaid and get it over with, man."

Castiel sighs and slings his backpack over his shoulder in one graceful motion. "Thank you, but I just need a little more time"

Dean shrugged "alright, angel. Your call" Cad pursed his lips at the nickname but remained silent as they began walking down the hall. It was funny, Dean expected Cas to get a lot more backlash for what happened on Sunday from the kids at school, but besides the coughs that discreetly had a word thrown into the middle of them, there hasn't been much of anything. That may or may not be because of the fact that before school Dean had pinned Zachariah outside and threatened that if anyone hurt Cas, they would answer directly to his fist. But hey, maybe not. Everyone knew what he was capable of and they knew to stay out of it.

"Faggots" someone hissed as they walked by. Cas whipped his head around to attempt to see who said it, but Dean slung an arm over his shoulder and calmly guided him forward. He knew which battles to fight and this one was not worth it. 

They never are.

They make it to the car, where Sam is already waiting.

"Took you guys long enough," he grumbled. As he slid into the backseat.

Dean chuckles good naturedly and swung himself into his baby. He turned around to watch as they backed up, his hand rested on Cas's seat, and when he twisted back around and pulled his hand away it grazed over Castiel's shoulder subconsciously. A long breath came out of Cas's mouth, followed by his tounge poking out quickly and wetting his lips.

Dean tore his eyes away and shifted the car into drive, Cas made a move towards his seat buckle and was clicking it in when Dean said.

"You don't need to do that, Cas. We live like, 30 seconds away." 

Castiel's face transformed into one of disbelief. "You don't buckle? Do you know how dangerous that is?" He turned around and looked at Sam. "Put on your seatbelt, Sam. You too, Dean"

Sam quickly moved to buckle but Dean let out a laugh. "I wasn't born yesterday, angel. But I've never gotten into a wreck before and we really don't live that far away" 

Cas huffs "I can't believe you don't BUCKLE, that's so childish."

They pull up to the edge of the parking lot and Dean makes a point of completely stopping at the stop sign and pointedly looking both ways. As they were stopped, Cas leaned over Dean, stretched his arm, and grabbed Deans seatbuckle. Dean is acutely aware of how close they are and he lets out a little cough to mask the noise he made when Cas settled his hand on Deans chest. In one fluid motion Castiel drug the buckle across the other man's body and clicked it into place. 

"There" Cas said, leaning back into his own seat "that's not so bad is it?"

Dean ran a hand through his hair and began driving again "no it wasn't" Dean muttered to himself "not bad at all"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So sorry this chap was so short and it took such a long time. I've had a teeny little case of writers block but don't worry, I'm going to see this fic through!!  
> And thank you so much for all the support I've gotten so far!! It really makes my day :D


	17. not deserving

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The moment you've all been waiting for...

When they entered the Winchester household Sam quickly scurried off to his room, muttering something about 'giving the two of you some alone time' Dean just shrugged and kicked off his shoes, plopping on the couch and getting out his calc he needed to finish before the Roadhouse. Cas stood awkwardly in the middle of the doorway and shifted his feet. A breeze was coming in, creating a faint, eerie whistling sound throughout the house. It tinkled the chimes the previous owners had left up and blew a paper off of Deans ever-growing pile.

"Jeez, Cas. Shut the door it's givin me the creeps" Dean barked 

"Ah, my apologies" he said, quickly stepping inside and closing the door gently. "You have a lovely house" he continued, looking around at the modest house. 

Dean could tell pretty easily when someone was trying too hard to be polite. He knew there were various stains on the carpet, cracks hidden behind meaningless photos. The walls, Dean assumed, at one point were a bright yellow, but had long since faded into a murkier color. Dean was aware that one of their lights had already stopped working, and Sam had become convinced that there was something living in the air conditioning it was so noisy.

"No we don't, but its a roof." came Dean's short reply. He brought out a pencil and begun working on his homework. "Sorry man, I just need to get this done before I go to work. If there's anything in the fridge, go ahead and help yourself." Dean said to Cas while continuing to keep his eyes glued to the paper in front of him. 

Cas remained standing for a second or two, then went over and perched on the couch next to Dean. He was content to just remain there, peek over and watch Dean as he was concentrating so heavily. Castiel noticed that the tip of Deans tounge peeked out and a giggle escaped him.

"What?" Dean asked, cocking an eyebrow.

Cas wiped the smile off his faced and replied "oh nothing.."

Dean began working again "whatever" he muttered.

And there they stayed for the remainder of the time, Dean and Cas slowly got more comfortable as the minutes ticked by. A knee knocked against another, a glance in the others direction, an offhand comment usually involving math, a soft smile when the other was caught staring.

"Hey Cas, it's about time for me to go" Dean said, glancing at the clock. "I can drop you off on my way?" He phrased it as a question.

"Yes, thank you, Dean." He stood up in one fluid motion "where do you actually work?" He queried 

Dean, who was lacing up his shoes, replied "I work at the Roadhouse, you know that one kinda on the edge of town"

"I've only been there once when I was very young, someone had a birthday there" Cas said wistfully

Dean looked up at the curiosity that was Castiel. How can someone NOT go to the Roadhouse for practically their entire life? How could anyone stay away? Cas was missing out royally, and Dean being the good citizen he was, was going to change that.

"Alright then, Saturday, I'm taking you there." Dean said with finality 

Cas could feel the heat rise in his cheeks "o-okay" he stammered

 

The car drive to the Novaks was, for the most part, silent. Although Dean had honked his horn a few more times than necessary at some teenagers crossing the street.

"C'MON PEOPLE MOVE IT WE GOT FUCKING PLACES TO BE!" He yelled at them at they crossed.

"Dean!" Cas hissed "that's rude!"

"Yeah you know what else is rude, TAKING SO SLOW CROSSING THE FUCKING STREET!" He belted at the teens, halfway across.

Cas made and effort to yell "I'm so sorry" to the group as they passed.

Dean didn't want to have to deal with smartass people tonight. As the finally drove past Dean flipped them off and muttered "assholes" under his breath so Cas wouldn't hear him.

The rest of the tie was silent, meaning Cas wouldn't let him talk anymore, every time Dean even opened his mouth he would cut in. 'No' was all he said, but Dean got the idea and kept his mouth shut.

When they pulled up to the Novak palace Dean finally got the courage to speak again.

"Hey Cas?" Dean asked softly.

"Yes?" Cas said, turning to face him. That put their heads extremely close to one another.

"That...thing were doing on Saturday.." Dean begins

"The Roadhouse.." Cas prompted

Dean rubbed the back of his neck "yeah the Roadhouse...I was wondering...maybe" he blew out a breath, of course Cas wouldn't want to go out with someone like him, he was so perfect. He deserved better "forget it" he mumbled "I don't deserve you" he said even quieter.

Then he felt a hand on his cheek, ushering him to look at Cas in the eyes. The hand moved under his chin. And then...

Cas's lips were on Dean's and it felt so good, so right. He began kissing back, putting his hands around Cas's neck. Cas kept his hands on either side of Deans face, gently cupping his cheeks. It didn't last very long, only enough for Dean to register what was happening and hurriedly kiss back before they were pulling away and looking into each other's eyes.

"Dean I would love for Saturday to be a date" Cas whispered, still keeping his hands where they were.

Dean let a small smile slide onto his face. He leaned forward and pecked Cas's lips "good luck with your parents" a full smile broke out onto his face now. Cas had kissed him, actually full on kissed him and he couldn't be happier.

Cas then ,being the gentleman he is, returned with a soft kiss on the cheek "Good luck at work, see you tomorrow." And then he was off, up the steps to their giant mansion of a house. And When Dean got to the Roadhouse he still couldn't shake the smile off his face.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So was that okay??? 
> 
> Next chapter will involve he rent issue and John so enjoy this while it lasts >:D


	18. slut

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A rollercoaster of emotions awaits you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> POSSIBLE TRIGGER WARNING(s) (also spoiler if you read this so idk what to do but yeah)  
> Prostitution  
> idk if that's a trigger for anyone but you have been warned
> 
> Also pls don't hate me

Dean couldn't stop smiling.

The entire time he was picking up half eaten plates of food, scraping gum off the bottoms of tables, dealing with crabby customers, he carried with him a thousand watt smile. As a result he got quite a few more tips than usual. Most of the time, with his leather and tattoos, he scared off and unnerved people visiting, but tonight was a whole other story. But by the end of his shift he still needed 100 more to cover the rent and food so they wouldn't starve.

"Ellen" he pleaded "just let me work a couple more hours, please"

Ellen paused from wiping down a table and pointed her washrag at Dean "look here, Dean, I know you need the money, I really do, but it doesn't change the fact that it's a school night and you need to get home and rest" she resumed wiping down the table "if you really need to you can start on the weekends, too. But you are not working any later on the weekdays young man."

"But Ellen"

"No"

So Dean stomped out of the Roadhouse, slamming the door shut at he left. He heard a 'watch it, young man!" from inside but he didn't really care. He was so close he just needed a little more.

Dean shoved his hands in his pockets and began trudging to his car, parked a block away so all the spots in the lot would be available for the customers in the dinner rush. He made it to the next building before a hand reached out and grabbed his shoulder, spinning him around.

A man stood, leaning against the wall, and he stuck out like a sore thumb. The Roadhouse, and all the sparse buildings around it were...well sparse. But this guy looked like a clean cut, perfectly respectable man. The model for uptown living. Dean would've bet money he had a job in the government, wife and two kids, house in the suburbs, the whole shebang. Anywhere else, if Dean would've seen him he would've paid him no mind, but here, the man's gaze was dark and his eyes were roaming all over Dean s body. All over.

The man's hand trailed down his shoulder and began rubbing his arm "I overheard your little dilemma, Dean" the man whispered "and I'm feeling particularly generous, especially when you look so...delectable" the man finished, licking his lips.

Dean, who was frozen in shock, finally snapped out and attempted to shake off the man's hand. His grip only tightened on Deans arm, and he pulled Dean in. Panic was starting to set in but Dean tried to remain calm

"What dilemma and how do you know my name?" Dean questioned

The man chuckled "I've been watching you, and you have the most perfect little cocksucking lips, how about we put them to use?" 

"How about no?" Dean snapped back and used his other hand to punch the man, but it was easily caught and twisted away. It was no secret Dean would sneak shots of whiskey when Ellen wasn't looking, but right about now he wished he didn't. His perception was just a little askew and Dean had a feeling the man knew that.

The man drug Dean into an alley and behind a dumpster, shielding them from the views of passersby. He threw Dean to the ground and pulled put a fifty, waving it just out of Deans reach.

"Suck me off and its yours, slut"

Dean knew the road would end up here, and he went along with it anyway. He could blame the alcohol, sure, but subconsciously he knew that he probably could've gotten away sooner if he really wanted to. And yet he stayed, he knew he needed money, and quick.

So when Dean began to crawl over to where the man was waiting expectantly, he wasn't really surprised. Disappointed? Definitely. Surprised? Not really.

With slow hands and shaking fingers Dean began undoing the man's belt. Step by step getting closer and closer to literally the lowest point in his life. He took a deep breath and closed his eyes for a minute before yanking down the man's boxers to reveal an already half hard erection. 

He tentatively began sucking it, and the man's member quickly sprang up even more. He cringed away for a second but took a breath and continued, Dean swirled his tounge around and sucked hard, hollowing out his cheeks.The man moaned softly and laced his fingers through Deans hair, shoving Dean's head back and forth harshly. The fact that Dean seemed to be choking apparently only turned him on more.

"Aw yeah, you like that don't you, you little bitch. Lips around my cock, taking it so good, slut." He painted as he continued his hard rhythm of face fucking.

He could tell after a couple minutes that the man was nearing his climax, if the pants and moans were anything to go by. And in a couple more seconds the man stuttered out between breaths.

"Swallow and I'll give you double" he panted before almost immediately shooting his load into Deans mouth.

His mouth instantly was filled to the brim with the salty tasting liquid. Dean contorted his face in disgust as the man slid out with a wet pop. Ever so slowly he let the disgusting mixture slide down his throat, and when he had swallowed the last of it he looked up at the man expectantly.

The man reached down to wipe away a stray trail of cum that had leaked from his mouth and was beginning to dry.

"Fuck, you look so sexy like this, slut. Cum all over your face, you loved this didn't you, bitch?" The man doesn't wait before flipping him two fiftys and walking away. "Thanks for that lovely going away present, slut. If I'm ever in the area again, believe me you'll be the first to know." The man said over his shoulder while walking away, whistling some old tune to himself as he went.

Dean quickly scrambled for the money, drifting and twirling towards the ground, picking them up, he held them close to his body and lent against the cool brick wall, just staring ahead of him. He listened to the night for a moment, taking in what had just happened. His life was way too fucked up to be real, and yet, here he was. They wouldn't loose their home, but Dean had lost his humanity, whatever little shred he did have willed himself to get up and finish walking to his car. And there he sat, in the front seat of the Impala, after literally selling his body to get money. This was all he was good for anyway so whatever, right?

When Dean shoved his hands into his pockets he felt something buried deep in the left, and when he pulled it out he realized it was the shrinks number. Dean sighed and pulled out his phone, now was as good of a time as ever, right?

Ringing.

Ringing.

Ringing.

"H-hello?" A confused voice answered the phone.

"Um, hi. My name us Dean and-"

"Dean Winchester?" The voice asked 

Dean cleared his throat "yes?"

"Oh! Castiel told me all about you, he has quite the little crush if I'm not mistaken! What was it you needed to talk about, Dean?" Chuck said, obviously slipping into therapist mode.

"I dunno man. Sammy, my brother, though talking to you would be good for me or some shit." Dean said, exasperated.

"Well, why don't you just tell me a little about yourself for starters and then tomorrow we can get together, how does that sound?"

Dean started up the car "alright, I guess" he pulled out of his parking spot and continued "My name is Dean Winchester, I'm an Aquarius, I enjoy sunsets and long walks on the beach, and frisky men and women" he rattled on as he began cruising down the road.

"Very funny, smartass. Why don't you tell me about you family?" Chuck said dryly

Dean was starting to kinda like this Chuck guy, but at the dame time resent him even more.

"My family" he started "Well my mom is dead, my dad's an alcoholic, and my brother is a genius."

"Alright, tell me about your mom" he said in a coaxing voice.

"Not much to tell, she died when I was four... It-it was a house fire" Dean said, trying to sound nonchalant. He laughed bitterly "you know she used to tell me angels were watching over me? Piss poor job those angels did."

Chucks voice remained calm, oddly soothing. "Do you believe in angels, Dean? God? Heaven? Hell?"

Dean actually scoffed at that as he rounded the corner to his house "please, of course not."

"And why not?"

"Angels, were never watching over my mom, she still died. Even when I prayed to the man upstairs every night that she would pull through. Third degree burns covering nearly all of her body, if you saw what I saw you wouldn't believe in much either."

"So you're saying that they can't exist because if God was real he would never let something so awful happen, right?"

"there's no God, no higher power looking out for us, there's just people, sick, messed up people, and if He did exist, then those people wouldn't." He said pulling into the driveway. "Listen, thanks for that..lovely trip inside my head, but I've gotta go Doc"

"That's chill, man. How about I meet you for lunch somewhere tomorrow?" Chuck said through a yawn.

"Dude, you know I have school tomorrow right?" Dean said while jogging up to the door, clamping tightly onto all the money he had made that day. 

"You have an open campus lunch. I'll meet you at Dimitri's at noon" Chuck said matter of factly.

Dean raised his eyebrows and twisted the handle, opening the door a crack while saying "alright, bye" as he swung the door totally open and clicked off his shifty little flip phone.

He saw a familiar figure hunched over the fridge, digging through it for something. Immediately Dean snapped to attention, no matter how tired he was John expected him to obey, and obey he did.

"Sir," Dean said quietly to his father, currently cracking open a beer and taking a long swig.

John narrowed his eyes.

"Dean" he began "we need to talk"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So pretty long eh?  
> I'm so sorry I do this to Dean, my precious bby.
> 
> Anyway please tell me what you think, I am shit at writing any kind of smutty related anything so sorry..
> 
> But thanks for reading!! <3


	19. disgrace

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Short lil chap.
> 
> Cas faces the folks

Castiel walled away from the impala feeling numb. He had just kissed someone. And a boy. And Dean Winchester! He could feel his stomach doing flips and the rest of him start to warm up at the thought of what they just did. Sure, it was a far cry from Cas's dream, but it was more than he'd ever done in the real world. 

His mind went back to the kiss and replayed it over and over as he made the long trip up the series of steps to his house. Cas didn't realize it would be so simple, yet mean so much. All he did was touch his lips to another person's lips, how could that mean as much as it did? It seemed unrealistic, and yet, it felt like he told Dean everything.

With shaky feet he walked the last few steps and officially crossed into hostile parent territory. His breathing sped up, any minute now a mom or dad could spot him and begin to attack...

"Castiel James Novak, we need to talk" his father's voice boomed from the door way. It was like he heard the sound of complete and utter failure and came running.

"I- uh-dad I-" Castiel tried to say something but the words kept getting lodged in his throat. He finally opted for lowering his head. 'Alright' he thought 'let's get it over with'

His father moved into the kitchen, where Cas was currently wetting himself, and sat down. Castiel quickly followed suit and dropped himself into a chair with a thud.

"Eve, dear, can you please come here?" His father called, and not very long after a head poked into the kitchen. His mother's quizzical look hardened into 'upset parent'. With quick precise steps she went and sat down next to her husband. Never taking her flowering eyes of Cas.

"Son, I know we haven't been very strict with you in the past, and I was hoping you wouldn't ever go through this little 'phase' but we're going to have to put our foot down." James Novak spoke in a deep, authoritative voice, and all the while his wife was nodding her head and generally playing the role of Extremely Disappointed Mother very well.

After a pause Eve Novak spoke up. "We are very disappointed in the way you've been acting recently, especially at church on Sunday." She made a little huff "to think that my son, Castiel Novak, would do something like this. Swear in public, in front of the entire church, and be very rude to one of your friends." A squeak "I heard a great deal about what happened that day, most of which I care not to repeat. You have humiliated this family and tarnished our reputation in this town." A sad look came up on her face. " I can't even fathom how I'm going to face the ladies in book club tomorrow"

This made Cas snort. Loud. I mean come on, everyone would.

His father's gaze hardened "now listen here young man, that Winchester kid is a bad influence on you, and we don't want you seeing him anymore, is that understood?"

Cas shot up, out of his chair "um yeah no. It's not 'understood' Dean wasn't the bad influence..." he shock his head and a little laughter bubbled out "no Dean was exactly the opposite.. it was you" and with that he stormed out. He could hear a thundering voice call out to him but he barged out of the kitchen and-

Ran right into Gabriel.

"Gabe!" Cas hissed as he pulled him along down the hall to his room. "What the hell are you doing here?"

Something like admiration shone on his big brothers face. "Nice job little bro. You really showed 'em who's boss, eh?" Gabe said punching Cas in the arm.

Cas swiftly lunged up the stairs and ducked into his room, followed closely by Gabriel.

"C'mon Cassie, give yourself some credit. I never even did something like that to mom and dad." He looked coldly down at his little brother "my little baby, rebelling against his parents," he wiped an imaginary tear away "they grow up so fast"

Castiel was overcome with that numb feeling again. 

"I just yelled at my parents" he whispered and sat down on his bed, staring blindly at Gabriel.

Gabe made a little snort. "Hell yeah you did, little bro!" He raised his hand for a high five, but it was pushed away by Castiel.

"Gabe I kissed Dean" he blurted. Where had that come from?

Gabriel's smiling face morphed into one of shock.

"Oh hell no" he whispered and plunked down by Castiel. "Do.. do you like him?" He probed

Cas ran a hand over his face "I don't know! Maybe?" He was so confused, his mind was screaming at him that this was wrong, this feeling inside of him. But an even larger part told him to welcome it, let it in. His mind had been conditioned over the years, and it would take a while to fully embrace Dean and all the feelings that came with him. But he was willing to try. For Dean, Cas would try almost anything.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I know it's short and I haven't updated in like a week or something, but stick with me!! I'm thinking this fic will be about 25 chapters, but if I have some bright idea it might be a little longer
> 
> Next chap we'll go back to Dean and will be filled with both angst and fluff so prepare yourselves.
> 
> And finally thank you so much for reading!! Whenever I'm having a bad day I just read through all the comments because you guys are so kind and supportive!! <3 I love you guys!!


	20. not good enough

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean meets John, doesn't go to school, and then meets Chuck

Dean dared not move. He just stood rigidly as his father took swing after swig of his whiskey, making a content sigh before tipping the bottle back up again.

"Dean" he began, his speech slightly slurred, he breathed and slumped into a chair. His father then rubbed a hand over his face. "Why haven't you been getting money? Huh?" He slammed his fist down on the table "I thought you could do one little thing without fucking up! I just got a call from the landlord saying we haven't paid yet! The fuck is that about?"

Dean scrambles for words "n-no wait, sir! I-I've got all the money right here! See?" He takes out a handful of crumpled bills from his pockets.

"THAT'S NOT FUCKING GOOD ENOUGH DEAN!" John bellowed "YOU CAN'T DO ANYTHING RIGHT!" He swipes his hands across the table, knocking off his, now empty, bottle of whiskey to the ground, where it shattered into hundreds of tiny pieces.

"I'll go r-right now and call them, say that we have our money" Dean shot up from his chair.

"Just a second" Johns voice is calm now, eerily calm. "I want you to take off your shoes"

"But there's-there's glass" Dean glanced down at the floor, littered with the sparkling shards.

John just stared at him "then maybe that will teach you not to pay the rent late again, huh?"

Dean sucked in a breath, he was so tired, so so tired. Lethargically he moved to untie his shoes and pull them off. One by one he rolled down his socks and took a tentative step forward, then another. He cried out as he stepped on his first shard, and from far away in his mind he could hear John chuckle softly. His feet were on fire and his mind was racing, which was probably why he didn't notice John stick out his leg in time. He hit the glass ridden floor with a thud, sprinkles of glass tinkling around him. A whimper left him as he felt the glass pressing into his skin.

"Hurry up now, boy" John Winchesters voice cut through the veil of pain and spurred him to stand up. 

Step. 

Step.

Stumble.

Step.

Finally he made it to the other side of the kitchen and picked up the phone with shaky hands. He dialed the number and it felt like a pain filled eternity before the landlord picked up the phone.

"Hello sir, this is Dean Winchester from-"

"Yeah, yeah I know the Winchesters"

"Um right, I was just letting you know we have the rent money" Dean wanted this phone call to be over.

"Boy, it's 11 at night"

Dean made a nervous chuckle "right, yeah, you can come tomorrow. Alright bye." Dean pressed the end. And slumped against the counter, exhausted. He could hear John's voice but his father was blurred by tears.

"Get up, Dean. No one livin under my roof is gonna be weak." A second later he heard the door slam and the roar of an engine fading away.

Dean struggled up and tried to crawl as softly a possible to the bathroom, when he reached it Dean groped around blindly for the tweezers on the counter. His hand connected with cool metal and he quickly began picking the glass out of his feet. he hissed every time a piece of glass was removed and even after an hour of carefully picking out shard after bloodied shard he still wasn't sure he had gotten every one.

 

Dean woke up the next morning to a blaring alarm clock and a raging hangover. He knew he shouldn't have had that much to drink at the Roadhouse. And then when he was picking the glass out of his body he might've had a couple more shots...well more than a couple.

"Dean! We gotta go!" Came Sam's shout from the hallway.

The world was too bright, the noises were too loud, the sensations were too much.

"Just a second, Sammy." He whispered as loud as he could. While struggling up and inspecting the half assed bandage job he did last night while inebriated. He cursed under his breath and felt at his feet, where the most blood had soaked through, the stinging would not stop now that he was aware of it.

The door handle twisted and Dean flew down into a laying position and threw the sheets back over him to cover up all the damage.

"Dean, what's wrong?" Sam asked while stepping inside "you look sick. Like really sick"

Well Dean did feel sick but it wasn't from natural causes.

"You're not going to school today" Sam said, crossing his arms and daring Dean to argue.

"The fuck Sam? I can take care of myself okay?" Dean replied in a harsh tone. It wasn't like he was on deaths door, and he had to go to work today, and meet that Chuck guy, although Dean wouldn't be too upset if he missed the latter.

"Yeah, no. You're staying right here, you look awful" Sam commented .

"dammit Sam!"

"No!"

 

So he found himself lying in bed when Sam stuck his head in the door to say goodbye. He tried to sound cheerful, but already being pissed can make that kinda hard.

When he heard the door slam and the purr of Harry fade away Dean threw the covers off and eased himself off the bed and onto the floor. The constant stinging was nothing compared to the pain that shot up from his feet when he placed them on the ground. He let out a long groan and went for a step. It hurt like a bitch, but Dean was somehow managing, step by step, to get to the other side of his room.

He caught a glance of himself in the mirror and a wave of disgust came over him. He hated it. Hated himself. He turned his head away with a sour face and struggled on.

By the time he had gotten completely ready and eaten somewhat of a breakfast it was already 11:30 and Dean knew he was gonna be late to the shitty therapy thing. He didn't want to go at all, the only reason was for Cas and Sam. Damn he hated those two. Sticking their heads into his business, something he would probably never let them fully see. 

The clock read 11:40 as he walked out of the door and down the street. He shouldn't have let Sam and John take both the vehicles, now he had to walk. This was gonna be a long afternoon.

He hobbled inside Dimitri's at 12:09 and asked for Chuck Shurley at the front. He was led into the very back corner, secluded and quiet, where a man with curly brown hair sat pouring over a menu.

Dean slid in across from the shrink and wordlessly picked up a menu and began flipping through. "Hey man, I hope you're buying because I didn't bring shit" Dean absentmindedly commented to the Mr. shrink

"I can see why my sister doesn't approve of you" Chuck said finally.

Dean narrowed his eyes and darkened his gaze. "The fuck s that supposed to mean?"

Chuck didn't seem startled by Deans change in behavior, if anything, he seemed to have expected it. "You react very negatively whenever someone brings up your appearance or habits." Chuck observed "why is that?"

"Hey man, I agreed to have lunch with you for my brother. I didn't agree for you to try and get inside my head to see what makes me tick or whatever." Dean sighed and sipped his water. He had to keep his fluids high so he'll heal as soon as possible.

Chuck nodded "I understand, you don't think anyone can make a difference"

"Some can, just not me. I'm not worth this." 

Chuck leaned on the table and gazed at Dean. "I called the school and you have perfect grades. Your test scores are off the charts. You could get into your pick of any college easily. Why haven't you applied or seen the college coordinater at all?"

"Sammy has to" Dean tucked his feet in and laid farther back on the booth "it's all for him, he's the one with the future"

"And why is that?

"Because he won the prize at the bottom of the cereal box" Dean snarked. The waitress came over to take their orders and Chuck raised his eyebrows when Dean only ordered an simple sandwich.

"I had you pegged for more of a cheeseburger kind of guy" he remarked, glancing down at Dean's hands on the table, a bit of the bandage poked out of the sleeves, but not enough to really know what was.

Dean slid his arms off the table and tugged his sleeves lower Chuck didn't need to know about that, no one did, no one cared. Dean absentmindedly played with his lip piercing, tugging at it until it hurt.

"I want to know more about your home life" Chuck said finally

"And I want a million dollars" Dean snapped

"Dean, what kind of person is your father?" He asked calmly.

"What kind of person is your father?" Dean retorted instead of answering. This guy was really starting to get on his nerves.

Chuck sighed "my father was very absent. He was always at work or away on a trip for buisness, when he did come home he wouldn't talk to anyone except mom. But he was a real bastard that's for sure." Chuck said "quid pro quo" 

Dean narrowed his eyes at the cheap trick but sucked in a breath and said. "My father does yoga in the mornings and eats low fat yogurt" Dean said 

"Dean" Chuck's voice hardened, and Dean's blood went cold because holy fuck do Chuck and John sound alike when they get irritated. Dean could feel the blood drain from his face and he subconsciously raised up his arms to protect himself, lightning fast he brought them back down again, but not fast enough. Chuck reached out and grabbed Dean's wrist, coincidentally right where a piece of glass had lodged last night, Dean hissed and the sudden sting and forcefully tugged his hand away, cradling it while shooting up from the table. 

"I think we're done here, Mr. Shurley" Dean said stonily and moved to leave.

"Dean you're limping" Chuck observed 

"Get the fuck outta my life" Dean snapped back, he was just about ready to snap and beat this guy down.

"I'll drive you back to school" Chuck said, quickly paying for their uneaten meal and trailing behind Dean.

When they were outside Dean spun around to face Chuck, tears stinging his eyes "JUST GET THE HELL AWAY FROM ME" he yelled at the shrink who was digging way deeper than he should've.

"Dean you're in no state to be alone right now. I want you at my office at least once a week, you hear? No charge, I promise." Chuck seemed almost frantic "please, son. You could have a bright future ahead of you" he said softly to Dean, who had stilled and lowered his head.

No more than a whisper Dean said "I'll think about it" and set off towards his house at a snail's pace, his feet hurt like hell, he kissed the son of a preacher and was going on a date with him, he had just sold himself for money, and now he was actually considering going to some shrink to get 'help' he doesn't deserve. He was a mess.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading, this one is pretty long for me which is why it took a little longer to get out. 
> 
> So next week school is starting for me so updates might come a little slower, but they'll still come so hold on!
> 
> Thank you guys so much for sticking with me! And i always love to hear feedback or comments or ideas :)


	21. not whole

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Fluff and angst heading ur way

Dean trudged up to his house and opened the door with a grunt. He stumbled inside and as soon as the door was shut he slid down the wall with a sigh and began working off his shoes gently. He knew that going to see that shrink was a bad idea. He knew that he didn't need, no, didn't deserve anything like that. He knew he was useless. He knew what the problem was already. It was him.

Not even a minute after the last slightly bloodied sock came off he heard a shuffle from inside the house. Dean didn't want to stand up, really really didn't, but he struggled onto his knees and groped around for some sort of a weapon. His fingers connected with a stray lamp that had never been unpacked and he gripped it tightly like his life depended on it. Because maybe it did. 

"Hello?" He called out into the emptiness, immediately he heard another shuffle. Then footsteps. Dean cursed under his breath and struggled to his aching feet, holding the lamp higher, ready to strike. He must have looked hilarious but the only thought I'm Dean's head was who the fuck was in his house?

The footsteps were getting closer and soon a figure appeared at the other end of the hallway. "Dean?" It called

Dean knew that voice, "Cas?" He asked incredulously. He let his hand drop as Castiel came out of the hallway with surprising speed and crushed Dean in The Bear Hug To End All Bear Hugs.

Dean laughed through the pain and pulled back, shyly pecking at Cas's lips. "What the fuck are you doing in my house?" He asked.

Castiel just looked down at Dean's weapon of choice. "Why are you holding a lamp?" 

Dean laughed again. It felt good to laugh. He can't remember why he didn't do it more often. Well, to be fair his brain kinda short circuits when he's around Cas. The first time he saw the blue eyed stranger Dean thought he might've forgotten his own name for a while.

"Touche" was all Dean replied and limped over to the sorry excuse for a couch. Instantly Cas was back by his side and taking Deans elbow. Leading them over and sitting them on the couch together.

"Dean what's wrong?" His face was complete concern

"Why is it you changed so suddenly, huh?" He asked instead of answering. "When I first met you, you said I was going to he'll and treated me worse than the gum on the bottom of your shoe."

"I just had to process it all I guess, Ezekiel and Uriel's gang, they call themselves Christian and drape themselves in the flag of God while doing awful things. If that's what I'm supposed to do to prove my allegiance then I'd rather rebel and do what I think is right."

Dean took Castiel's hand and gazed into his baby blues.

"So you think this is right?" Dean breathed.

Cas smiled softly and nodded "yeah, I think so."

Dean thought he could about cry but before he could lean in Cas ruined the moment.

"So where were you?"

Dean sighed, he thought Cas had forgotten. "I just went out for lunch" he waved his hand dismissively 

Cas crossed his arms "right, and what happened to your feet?"

Dean snorted "nothing. I'm fine"

"Dean there's blood on the floor where you were standing"

Shit. Dean swiveled his head around and saw the bloodstains on the tiles. "I-" 

"Dean Winchester, I've lived my entire life being lied to by my parents, the church, my so called friends. You're the only one I can trust, and if I can't trust you I have nothing" Cas pleaded, tears welling up in his eyes. "I gave everything for you" he whispered.

Dean was about to cry too, but not for the same reasons. 

"Cas I-I can't" he stuttered "if you knew..."

"What?!" Cas almost shouted, almost. He never actually shouted."what could possibly happen huh? You think I won't want to be with you anymore?"

Dean stayed silent, he knew it would only last so long with Cas. Cas deserved better. Deserved someone whole.

Castiel's face melted into one of sadness "Dean you can tell me anything, nothing can say will make me think of you any less." He whispered and moved his hand on top of Deans.

Dean blew out a breath, 'just rip it off. Get it over with. Just like a band-aid. Better now than before he became hopelessly attached, because after this Cas probably wasn't even going to want to speak to him. Dean shifted on the couch and faced away from Cas, showing him his back.' He let out a breath and pulled his shirt over his head in a swift fluid motion. Like a band aid.

Dean squeezed his eyes shut when the shirt came off and he heard Cas let out a small gasp. He felt Castiel's fingers lightly tracing the raised scars that crisscrossed his back. Dean felt a tear slip out, and despite his best efforts a sob racked his body. Making Cas' s hand still and then draw away. Dean knew it was too good to be true. A split second later Dean felt light kisses peppering his back tracing down and over his scars.

"You're beautiful, Dean. Every part of you is perfect." Cas whispered and turned Dean around so they were facing each other once again. Tears were falling freely now as Dean cried uncontrollably he didn't know what to do. He was so lost. Cas wrapped him in a hug and whispered soft, kind words into his ear until he calmed down.

"Why?" Dean asked "My own dad doesn't want me, I'm broken!"

Cas reached up and wiped a tear away. Everyone's broken Dean, only when you find your other half do you become truly whole."

"Do you feel whole now?" Dean asked

"I always felt like something was missing," he chuckled "I mean, I guess everyone does. but I felt so incomplete so wrong..." he trailed off and took a breath "A couple years ago something came over me, not all at once but over a period of time I guess you would say. I was miserable, I didn't know what was happening to me but I felt like I had lost myself. I developed an eating disorder. I barely ate, and what little I did manage I threw right back up. I was in the hospital for a while. Nobody knew what was wrong, and I couldn't get better because I didn't know what was wrong either. My parents brought me a bible when I was in the hospital and that's when I started getting really into religion. It raised me up, helped me believe there was someone bigger looking out for me. Maybe that's why I hated you so much. You broke down my walls, I couldn't fill the hole with prayer after prayer anymore. I could only fill it with you." Cas wiped a tear away from his eye and laughed shakily "I guess that sounded kinda stupid huh?"

Dean wrapped his arms around Cas's waist and kissed him. 

"I'm sorry that what raised you up turned out to be so twisted." Dean said "I guess we'll just have to fix each other" he whispered.

"See, that's what took me so long to figure out." Cas draped his arms around Deans shoulders and whispered into his ear "there's nothing to fix. We're already perfect. We're already whole."

"You talk like a philosopher sometimes you know that?" Dean laughed and kissed Cas again. And again. And again.

Dean was on a high and he couldn't come down. He'd never been accepted before. Not really. He'd never had someone who saw him for who he was and didn't shy away. He couldn't understand anything except that he was happy, actually honestly happy. It felt as if everything fell into place.

Cars broke apart for a breath and dived back down on Deans lips licking and nipping playfully. For someone who didn't have much, If any, experience Cas was a damn good kisser. So when they broke apart again Dean actually frowned a little.

"Do you wanna watch a movie?" Cas blurted while rummaging around in his bag. "I brought some, I mean, that's what I planned to do. Here. With you." Cas stuttered out.

Dean leaned back and smiled at Cas who was still searching through his bag.

"Sure, we can watch a movie" Dean said while draping an arm around Cas and watching him pull out DVD after DVD from his back. Dean looked at one of the covers and did a double take.

"Cas, do you know what Casa Erotica actually is?" Dean asked, picking up one of the cases and chuckling.

Castiel frowned and tilted his head to a side. "I didn't actually look at them I just grabbed some DVDs from Gabriel's room. What's Casa Erotica?"

Dean put a hand over his mouth to try and stop his laughing, but to no avail. "Angel, that's porn. You just brought 10 DVD s full of porn to my house and suggested we watch them together."

Cas's cheeks reddened and he looked at the DVD in his hand and dropped it in disgust. "Sorry, sorry, sorry I didn't know, I mean, I wouldn't have, not, no, I mean." Cas fumbled with the DVD s and tried to gather them up, only to have them tumble even farther away.

"Cas, have you ever watched porn?" Dean asked, amused, while watching him blush like an idiot.

Castiel's eyes widened to saucers.

"never. I mean-" he breathed.

Dean inched closer and dragged a hand up Cas's thigh, cutting off what Castiel was going to say extremely effectively.

"Do you want to?" Dean blew a hot breath against Cas, making the other man shiver. They needed to do something to drag their minds away from the heavy conversation. Dean even dated to say that he deserved to do something fun with Cas.

Cas could only nod vigorously as Dean licked the cuff of Cas's ear.

Dean smirked and kissed Cas again, slipping his tongue in and dominating the kiss.

"let's get this show on the road."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this took kinda long for me to get out eh? School has started for me so chapters might come out a little slower but I promise I'll finish this!! :) :)


	22. boyfriend

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hehheh ehhh... super late but enjoy

The moment Dean slid in the first DVD and the screen fizzled to life Castiel let out a gasp. Men and women laid out in provocative positions with little to no clothing on, who on earth made things like this?!

Dean just laughed heartily as the porno started. "I still can't believe Gabriel had these in the house of the holy up there" he eyed Cas hungrily and latched onto the side of Castiel's neck, sucking and mouthing along the side.

Cas let out a shuddering breath and leaned into the touch subconsciously, this was, without a doubt, the most sinful thing he had ever done. Yet cunningly enough, he was okay with it. He wanted it. Needed it.

Throughout the afternoon Dean skimmed and caressed, traveling dangerously close to Castiel's crotch, using his hand to twirl around the area with a delicacy Castiel had not seen before. Castiel, in return, let out several breathy moans when this happened and bucked up to meet Dean's touch. They played around like this for a while. Dancing around sack others comfort zones, neither of them daring to make that final step.

While Dean was a little more touchy-feely, Castiel was just fascinated by the overall plot of the porn.

"I don't understand, if the pizza man truly loves the babysitter why does he keep slapping her rear, Dean?"

"Dude, it's just a porno" Dean quipped while sliding his arm around Cas and nibbling his earlobe.

Cas shrugged him off and began pointing at the screen "I don't understand! Why is he calling her awful names? Sex is supposed to be about great love and commitment!"

Dean eyed his...friend? boyfriend? with love and guided Castiel's chin so they were looking at one another.

"You're not supposed to focus on the plot, idiot." Dean whispered

Castiel let out a small squeaky sound, a blush began rising up to his cheeks, warmth overtaking his body, he hoped Dean couldn't see. He'd never felt like this with anyone before, he'd never felt the electricity, the rush, that came with Dean's touches, kisses.

"Will you be my boyfriend, angel?" Dean whispered out again, although softer this time, more unsure.

Silence.

"I-" Cas started "I kind of thought I already was"

At that Dean let out a bark of laughter and kissed Cas sloppily. Cats laughed along with him and moved his hands around Deans neck and pulled him in closer, Cas savored the kiss, savored the feeling that went along with it, and whenever they would break apart for air he savored the tingling feeling on his lips that Dean had caused.

Dean licked around Castiel's lips asking for entrance, and Cas was all too happy to oblige. Soon their breaths and small moans, and gasps of pleasure and surprise matched those on their screen. Dean pulls off his shirt in one fluid motion and then attacks Cas's, flinging both their shirts over his head and out of mind. Dean rolled his hips down on Castiel, creating an electric friction that sent them both moaning loudly.

"I'm in love with you" Castiel breathes between kisses "I don't care what anyone thinks"

Dean let out a breathy laugh "trust me Angel, you're gonna care what people have to say" he leaned back "people always say that, 'I don't care what people will think' , but after a while... it's addicting to listen them, you want it. Because at least it's better than nothing, right?" He said with a somber expression.

Cas's heart broke for this boy, who seemed so strong and confident on the outside, when in reality he was barley keeping it together. 

"Dean, you called my uncle right?" Cas could see his newly appointed boyfriend needed help far beyond his own care and expertise. He would do everything he could for Dean, but Dean was going to need special care.

"Yeah, but that was a mistake" Dean waved his hand dismissively "I'm fine, Cas. Honestly, this is the best I've been doing in a long time."

A loud moan erupted from the TV that made Cas jump and glare accusingly at the man currently reaching his climax.

"Dean I don't think I like porn." Cas stated and moved an arm around Dean, pulling him in closer "I've found the real thing is so much better" 

"Well you're amazing at the real thing so I won't judge you too harshly" Dean whispered and gave Cas another kiss. 

He returned the favor and mouthed up the side of Deans neck, sucking hard like he saw in the video, a breathy gasp came from Dean which spurred Cas on even more. He wanted Dean to feel good about himself for once, he wanted to take care of someone who never took care of themself, and if this was the way to make Dean forget for a while Cas was prepared to do anything. The separated for air and Cas leaned his forehead against Dean's, their lips were so close an inch of movement and-

A doorbell sounded suddenly, making Cas jump and Dean twirl around in a flash, moving his arms over his head in a defensive position. A split second his eyes seemed to register the sound as non-threatening and he moved his arms down slowly, embarrassed.

"I guess I should get the door" Dean mumbled and heaved himself off the couch, heading to the door.

"Dean" Cas called "your shirt" 

Dean quickly scrambled around and ended up throwing on Cas's shirt in a flash and jogged over to the door. 

Cas saw a middle aged man standing in the doorway looking pissed. He lumbered over Dean and crossed his arms.

"Where's my money, boy?" He asked, his voice dangerously quiet. 

Cas threw on Deans discarded shirt and padded over to where Dean was fumbling out some sort of an apology. He grasped his boyfriends hand and squeezed reassuringly. 

"Y-yes I have it right here justasecond" Dean managed to get out before turning and quickly walking away, leaving Cas standing awkwardly with the big burly man Dean owes money to.

The man studies Castiel and squints "I thought it was a younger brother, but you don't look that much younger to me" 

"What?" It took Cas a second to figure out what he was asking "Oh, no, I don't live here. I'm Dean's…friend" Cas wasn't sure if the guy was cool with what they were so he decided to play it safe.

"Seemed pretty touchy feely to be friends" the man said, raising an eyebrow.

Cas didn't know what to do "no. I mean- we-we-"

"Its all right man, I'm not one to judge." He chuckled "I mean, I gotta husband waiting for me back at home, but be careful around that Winchester father, he seems to be pretty tough on his kids, that older one especially. I've had complainins that neighbors heard yellun at late hours, awful things, but nothing coulda been proven so I had to let it pass"

Footsteps sounded from behind Cas and Dean appeared again holding an envelope with his thumb and pointer finger, like he wanted to touch it as little as possible. "Here you go sir, every penny's in here" Dean said handing it over carefully, staring at the envelope with a sour expression.

"It better not be late again" he said gruffly, but ruffled Deans hair after he pocketed the envelope. "You ever need anything don't hesitate to ask, son" he looked over at Castiel "that goes for both of you" he said and the walked off. Dean stared off in confusion after shutting the door.

"Who was that?" Cas asked, not being able to hold in the question any longer

"Our landlord" Dean said, still with a slightly confused expression.

Cas smiled "he has a husband" 

Dean's slightly confused face morphed into an ultra confused one.

"Our landlord's gay?"

"Or bi" Cas retorted "Dean you of all people-" 

"Yeah I know I know! Jeez what did you guys talk about while I was away?" Dean said grabbing a cigarette and flicking his thumb rapidly against a lighter. "I need a smoke" 

"Smoking is bad for you" 

"Yeah I know, angel" 

"I love you"

"I love you too"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes I know it's been a while and I could make excuses, but the only thing I'll say is this, please stick with this story, please hang around I know where I'm going with it and there's not very many chapters left so hold on a little longer!! 
> 
> On another note season 11 started and I'm curious to know what u guys are thinking of it so far! (I hope Adam and Lucifer and Michael come back!!!)


	23. not good at this

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Stuff happens and then... stuff happens ;D

Dean blew out a final puff of smoke and crushed the cigarette into the ground, watching the embers fade out slowly. He felt a hand on his back and glanced over to see Cas. He slung an arm over his boyfriend. His boyfriend. Dean still couldn't believe this was real, that Cas and he were...

"Dean lets go back inside" Cas whispered into his ear, and trailed his hand down Dean's back, grazing his ass before latching on to Dean's hand.

Dean blew out another breath, not because of the cigarette this time, and squeezed Cas's hand in agreement.

"You know for being a bible thumper you're sure good at that" Dean grinned and followed behind Cas back into the house

"I've walked in on Gabriel before" was all Cas said in explanation, and honestly that's all that Dean needed to hear. "But first, don't think that I forgot about your feet"

Shit. 

In all honesty Dean did think that he forgot, it didn't really matter, he'd forgotten about them. Dean was used to dealing with it, used to not needing help. He walked softly over to the battered old couch and sat down, shifting his body to face towards Cas.

"What about my feet in particular did you want to talk about?" Dean asked wryly, then he pretended to gasp in horror "Is one of my toenails chipped?"

Cas squinted "haha very funny" he deadpanned and reached down to grab Dean's feet, swinging them up onto the couch. His face gave away nothing as he studied Deans feet with a concentration few could hope to achieve.

"Dean there's glass in some of these." He commented, his voice sounding slightly strained.

Dean gave a small smile "well guess you figured it out, A+ my pupil"

"Dean..."

"It was just a stupid punishment which won't happen again, I promise" Dean ran a hand over his face, letting out a sharp breath as Cas felt around his feet.

"Dean some of these need stiches."

"Are you a doctor now?"

"Please let me help you" Cas looked at Dean, moving his hands to place them over Dean's. "Please"

"Angel, honestly it looks worse than it is I promise."

"Where are your bandages?" Cas asked like he hadn't heard a word of what Dean just said. He moved away from Dean and started shuffling around of half unpacked boxes lying here and there.

"I don't think..." Dean began 

Cas cut him off. "found some" he declared and showed him the roll triumphantly. He walked back over to where Dean was and kneeled down at his bloody feet. Stretching the bandage out he tore a strip off and got to work on Deans feet.

 

"FUCK" Dean howled 

Cas picked out another wedged in piece of glass.

"If you hadn't walked on your feet with glass still in them this would've been easier" Cas breathed and reached for the last little splash of rubbing alcohol, dabbling it around the cuts gently.

"I thought I got them all ou-SON OF A BITCH WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?" His feet were on fire, and this time he wasn't already half passed out, Dean was feeling it. All of it.

Cas sighed "there are some places where the skin has closed up over the glass" Cas dug around a little more "just hold still I think this is the last one"

After the last shard of glass had been picked out Cas wrapped both feet in bandages and placed a small peck on Deans right big toe.

"There all better" Cas said sweetly with a cheeky smile plastered in his face. 

Dean laughed dryly "my hero" he singsonged and gave Cas a quick kiss while moving to stand up. He really needed to do something. Anything. 

"Oh no no." Cas said and pushed him back down. "You're on bed rest until further notice"

Dean smiled and layed back down on his back "well whatever shall we do?" He asked innocently, stretching his hands above his head, opening himself up. 

Cas crawled on top of Dean and straddled his hips, he seemed unsure where to put his hands and Dean guided them to either side if his head. Their faces were inches apart, breaths coming in heavier now.

"I'm really not good at this Dean" Castiel warned

Dean shook his head dismissively "you're doing fine. I promise. I'll help you through the whole thing" 

Cas rocked his hips down and Dean let out a soft moan at the friction it caused. Shirts found themselves on the floor seconds after and Dean was leaning up so also Cas was moving down.

Their kiss was heated and hot and heavy and while Cas was running a hand through Deans hair, Dean was groping blindly at Cas's ass, pulling them closer together. Skin slided over skin and not long after pants also were falling onto the ground. 

Dean panted, one more layer of fabric was separating them and he was going insane. He bit back a loud groan as Cas grinded down on him once more.

"You naughty boy" Dean gasped out.

"Shut up and kiss me" Castiel replied lunging down once more.

Dean moved his hand under Cas's last little layer of fabric, cupping his ass, pressing it down to get more friction. In a flash, Cas had gotten a hold of Dean's hands and pinned them above him, making his squirming still.

"Stay right there, don't move a muscle" Castiel growled and raced from the couch. Almost tripping over the scattered pile of clothes.

A minute later he was back, holding a condom and a bottle of lube in his hand, and looking ever so pure even now.

Dean whistled "aren't you prepared?" He said and moved to take off his boxers.

"What did I say about moving Dean?" Castiel's voice cut in, hard and clear. As he sauntered over to Dean, hooking his thumbs in his own boxers and inching them down ever so slow. The trail of hair down from Cas's belly button getting larger every tug, but just as the impressive bulge in Cas's boxers was beginning to peek out Cas stopped, and moved one leg over Dean's chest. So that all that was separating Dean's mouth and Castiel's cock was a flimsy piece of fabric.

Dean almost screamed in frustration, he mouthed over Cas's bulge, making his hips rock down unexpectedly.

Cas leaned down, his lips ticking Dean's ear.

"Take them off Dean" he taunted, licking the shell of his ear tantalizingly slow.

Dean was all to happy to oblige, but the second he moved his hands from above his head Cas swatted them back.

"No hands" he explained, grinding his hips down ever so slowly. Taunting him.

Dean lifted his head up and grabbed the piece of fabric between his teeth, stopping to bite and nip right below Cas's navel before dragging that sinful piece of fabric down. Hard.

Castiel's erection sprang free and just as soon as Castiel's boxers were off Dean's were following closely behind. Dean didn't even have time to hide his scars before Castiel began kissing up and down his chest, lower down to his hipbones. Every cut, bruise, scar, Castiel found was kissed away.

"You're amazing Dean Winchester" 

"Shut up and kiss me" he mimicked Castiels words from before.

Castiel licked a long stripe up Dean's dick, before kissing Dean again, sliding his tounge in, claiming him.

With no fabric barricading themselves anymore Cas and Dean clung to each other like it was their last night on earth. Their bodies moving and sliding effortlessly against each other, fitting together perfectly.

"Cas I need you" Dean moaned between kisses.

That was all the encouragement Cas needed, he ripped the condom from its plastic and hurriedly put it on, hands shaking ever so slightly.

Dean took notice and immediately began to sit up "hey baby it's okay, only if you want to okay?"

Castiel shook his head "I want to Dean I really want to I promise"

Dean smiled and placed a kiss on Cas's neck, sucking firmly before moving on. He grabbed the lube from Cas's hand and squirted some in his own, then moving it up and down Castiel's dick rapidly.

Cas practically screamed with pleasure, and rested his head on Dean's shoulder to take a breath. 

"Oholyshit" he breathed rapidly. 

Dean lifted his hands up after Cas's cock had been lubed up and moved them above his head again.

"How do you want me?" 

Cas felt a tingle when Dean asked that question, a sensation that went straight to his dick.

"Uh... whatever's most comfortable I guess.." Cas rubbed the back of his neck. 

Dean smiled and gave Cas a small peck before rolling over onto his stomach and lifting his as s in the air, presenting himself to Cas.

Cas could tell that this was a show of trust mire than anything, he might be been abused by his parents but he knew generally what went down. And for Dean to be in this position...

"You're beautiful" Cas breathed and squirted some lube onto his fingers. He tentatively pressed a finger inside Dean making him gasp with pleasure. After that Cas quickly added another finger and soon Dean was almost screaming 'if you don't put your dick in me soon so help me'

Cas positioned himself and gently sank in. Dean let out a loud groan and bucked his hips.

"Did that hurt? Should I stop?" Cad asked worriedly. He was terrified of doing something wrong.

"Cas, angel, you're doing fine I promise. If there's something wrong I'll tell you, just like you'd tell me, okay?" Came Dean's soothing voice, he spoke in a tone that literally put all his worries to rest. He began moving again, harder, faster, and soon he started feeling something. 

Dean's pants began rising in volume, too. Moans getting more and more needy 

"Oh mY GOD FUCK" Dean wailed as Castiel nailed his prostrate. Two more thrusts and Dean came with a trademark 'son of a bitch!' Followed closely by Cas who gripped into Dean's hips so tight there was sure to be bruises. Dean turned back around to face Cas. They laid there for a while, occasionally one would latch on to the others neck and mark a reminder of this moment. Dean held onto Cas, and Cas tucked his head into the crook of Dean's neck. 

"I love you" he breathed

Cas smiled "I love you, too" then he rolled off the soiled condom and stood up, looking at the couch and at themselves, then glancing around.

"You have paper towels, right?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes friends it is I, back from the dead and offering you a little smut to make up for my absence. That was my first attempt so any criticism or comment you have would be appreciated!


	24. Not ready

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Better late than never?

The two lay there for a while. Content to just be near each other. Dean wrapping his arms around Cas, and Cas tucking his head under Deans chin. Their comfortable silence was occasionally broken by the odd question. "What is your favorite color?", "do you think pigeons have feelings?" You know, the usual.

Time passed quickly, or slowly, neither of them could really tell. At one point Dean got up and came back bearing a pair of sweats and one of his old t shirts.

"Here, I think these'll fit ya" he said tossing them in a heap towards his boyfriend. He scratched his head and gave a small yawn while shrugging on a shirt and sweatpants himself. Cas pulled on his pants and shrugged on his t shirt. Wandering over to the kitchen Cas pulled out their way more than half empty egg carton and found some frozen hashbrowns Dean didn't even know they had. 

"Jeez, Cas. You know morning was like, ten million hours ago, right?" Dean yawned again and wrapped his arms around Cas from behind, resting his chin on Cas's shoulder.

"I am strongly opposed to the notion that some foods are outrightly labeled as 'breakfast foods', I mean, why is it that some foods are looped into this category whereas other foods are put into another category? Why can't people just enjoy foods without putting labels on them?" Castiel preached while mixing the eggs vigorously in a bowl. 

Dean laughed and lightly squeezed Cas "remind me never to get into a fight with you" he said and pecked his boyfriend's cheek playfully. 

Castiel was a fantastic cook.

Dean moaned for the fourth time taking another bite of the meal Cas had prepared. Somewhere Cas had found oranges, Dean can't even remember getting this stuff, and he proceeded to make fucking freshly squeezed orange juice. Like was this guy for real?

"Have I ever told you how great you are?" Dean asked for the fifth time during their meal 

"Only four times now, are we going for a fifth?" Cas asked, his lips quirked into a small smile.

"Hell yes we are" Dean declared and leaned over to give Castiel a kiss. "You are amazingly great" Dean stated and began to shove more hashbrowns into his mouth. "Sex really makes me hungry" Dean said off handedly.

Cars rolled his eyes and picked up his plate, beginning to wash off the dishes. 

"Hey, you cooked," Dean stood up "I'm cleanin'"

Castiel spun around, wielding the soap bottle like a weapon "Dean Winchester, you get back on that couch and off those feet right this very instant or I swear you will feel the wrath of this soap bottle." Castiel squinted and stared Dean down. Looking back on it, this event probably wasn't something to be so scared over, but Dean races to the couch and put his feet up. Giving Cas his best 'look I'm behaving' smile. Cas turned around and continued washing, humming absentmindedly while scrubbing.

Then they settled in again, turning on some background tv, watching each other out of the corners of their eyes.

Sam came home around 3:30, saw them laying together, and suppressed a smile. He walked quietly to his room but not before whispering something to the effect of, "I'm so happy for you" in their direction. 

Dean eventually had to get up for a smoke, and Castiel followed him out.

"Those will kill you" Castiel stated through a yawn.

"Angel, anything will kill you. No one makes it outta here alive" Dean said lighting up his cigarette and taking a long drag.

Cas huffed and leaned his head on Deans shoulder as they stared out at Dean's shitty neighbourhood. The sun was beginning to dip down, putting an orangey glow over the houses.

"How did you find my house?" Dean asked suddenly, the thought had been in the back of his head for a while.

"Hmm? Oh I know the Secretary, remember?" Cas said while playing with a string on Dean's old t shirt.

That statement made Dean fully realize, Cas was so much better off than he was. He had his life together. A wave of self doubt hit him straight on.

 

Dean took Cas's hand. "Look Cas" he cleared his throat "I-I can't offer you much" Dean cursed himself for his wavering voice "but I promise I will try to-" 

"Dean Winchester" Cas cut him off "I don't care about that. Do you really think I'm shallow enough that any of that stuff matters to me?" Cas looked at his boyfriend, tears almost about to spill. "Come on let's go back inside, you shouldn't be on your feet anyway." They reached for each other's hands and squeezed, hard, making sure everything was okay. 

Dean plopped down onto the couch and guided Cas to where Can was straddling his hips. Their lips met and they were lost in each other. Thy shifted their position and now Cas was looming over Dean. Cars licked the cuff of Deans ear, making the other man shiver.

"Its not fucking fair how good you are at this already" Dean mumbled, then gasped when Cas nibbled his ear where he had just licked.

"Just because I live in a sheltered household doesn't mean I didn't have brothers who were more than happy to talk about their own sexual escapades" Castiel replied, growing a bit at the memories.

"Ugh, don't make me think about that while we're making out" Dean said, imagining Gabriel telling his little brother about his "adventures".

"Dean?" Castle said, looking up and to the window.

"Yeah, Angel?" Dean replied, reaching up for the other man's head.

"Who is that?" Cas asked brow burrowing in confusion.

Dean sat up and looked out through their cracked window to see none other than his father, stumbling towards the door.

Dean's blood ran cold. John can't see Castiel with him, he would tear him a new one, and then move on to Cas, and probably Sam. He watched his father come towards the door in slow motion. Everything seemed to bright, too cold, too... Dean didn't know. He was terrified, mainly for his boyfriend. Although somewhere in his head he was screaming at himself to be worried for his own self being, too. He shoved that voice down.

"Okay Cas, you need to get out as soon as possible." Dean's voice came out much steadier than he was feeling. He looked at their back door but it was in full view of their living room and John would see cars if he tried to get out that way.

Dean whipped his head around wildly, trying to figure out someway to get Cas out. John was massively drunk, which gave them a little extra time, but not much. Not nearly enough.

"Okay, Cas get into Sam's room and shut the door. It's the first in the left. Do what ever you guys can to keep the door shut. Ask Sam if he thinks there'sany feasible way out, and if there is, take it. If there's not, I'll come and get you when it's safe." Cas is standing up when Dean catches his hand. "And don't open that door, please. now go." 

"Dean, no-" Cas began his voice overcome with fear. 

They din't have time for this.

"DAMMIT I SAID GO" he raised his voice and shoved Cas in the direction of Sam's room. Cas stumbled into Sam's room just as the front door swung open, revealing a plastered John Winchester. 

Dean tried not to break into a sweat and hide in a corner.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I dont know if anyone is still following this since ive been gone so long but here i am, i apologize for the long hiatus i was so unbelievably busy and just didnt have much inspiration.


	25. Not okay

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean faces his father

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Possible trigger warnings in end notes

Dean's hands hung limply by his sides.

John was staring him down in a way that no one else could, swaying slightly. There was something stained on his shirt, vomit or some drink Dean didnt have the time nor effort to care.

"H-hello sir" Dean squeaked. This couldnt be happening, it wasn't just himself but Sam and Cas he needed to protect. "How was your day?" He asked as John flung himself on the couch where just minutes ago he and his new boyfriend were blissfully unaware of the danger approaching. 

"The fuck kinda question is that?" John mumbled while swinging his head in Dean's direction. 

Dean instinctively threw up his hands, protection. "N-nevermind." He let out a shaky breath. He needed to think of something quick. "Can I get you another drink, sir?" This was stupid, he sounded like a waiter. But anything to distract from the two other inhabitants hiding, hopefully fleeing.

John, who was quickly sinking farther and farther down into the sofa, stopped and opened his eyes. He began to sit back up. "When in hell have you ever offered to do something for me, boy?" His words were eerily quiet, calculated.

Shit. John might not have been as drunk as he thought.

"I-I ..." Dean raised his hands again and took a half a step back. "I just uh-" another step back, subconsciously stepping in front of the hallway into Sam's room. 

"What are you hiding you shit?" He thundered over to Dean and backhands him across the face, holding onto the front of Dean's shirt so he doesn't fall down. He landed a solid punch into Deans stomach.

Once.

Twice.

Three times, and at this point Dean is screaming and sobbing. Torn between telling John just to make it stop or to let him continue to save Sam and Cas.

"well faggot?" John sneered "you got another fairy hiding in the closet?" Dean sucked in a breath and made an imperceptible glace in the direction where Sam and Cas were. 

Well almost imperceptible. 

John noticed the movement and smiled. "Does he know that his little fuck buddy is a worthless piece of shit?" John throws him to the ground and Dean's head connects with the corner of the wall leaving him dazed, unable to move. "I think I'll tell him myself" John said, seemingly to himself, but Dean knew it was meant for him. The ultimate punishment, knowing he couldn't stop him.

A sob racked Dean's body. "Please no!" He cried, latching onto the torn bottoms of John's pants. He couldnt stand it, couldnt bear it if Cas was hurt because of him. Everything Cas gave for him and he couldn't even protect him, his angel. 

John tried to shake him off but dammit if he wasnt stubborn. He held on and wouldn't let John move another inch. He knew what would happen if he continued but he was also painfully aware of what would happen if he stopped.

"LET GO OF ME YOU PIECE OF SHIT, YOU SHOULDN'T EVEN BE ALIVE" John bellowed while using his heavy boot to step on Dean's hand.

Dean felt a finger break.

Far off he could hear a muffled sob from behind a door. 

John smiled again. "Hear that Dean, he's sobbing with relief that your not gona be in his life anymore."

Dean's hand was pried off by now and John gave him one last swift kick before making his way to the room Sam and Cas are hiding, bumping into the wall quite a few times before reaching his destination.

Luckily for Dean this gave him an ounce of time to recover. He crawled onto his hands and knees just as John threw open the door. Behind it kneel Cas and Sam, their tear stained faces morphing from pain into fear right before Dean's very eyes.

Dean's heart broke. He never wanted to see anyone be that afraid ever again, especially the two people he cared about the most. Dean's head swam with one reverberating thought 'I can't let them get hurt' 

It was this thought that drove him up.

It was this thought that drove him forward.

It was this thought that drove him to grab his father around the ankle just as John lunged out at Cas.

John lost his balance, not that he had much to begin with, his heavy mass plummeting to the floor. 

No, not the floor.

The edge of Sam's bed.

John's head hit the corner of the bed with a sickening crunch and his body went limp. A trail of blood oozed from John's head and into the already stained carpet.

Cars, Sam, and Dean sat there for what felt like an eternity. None of them willing to move, to accept what happened. 

It was Sam who finally snapped.

"We need to call an ambulance" his voice said, although it sounded far off and muted to Dean. Sam stood up slowly, holding onto his dresser as he hoisted himself to his feet.

Cas followed slowly after, choosing to crawl over to Dean and wrap him in a warm embrace. "I was so worried about you" Cas whispered into Dean's shoulder.

Dean flung his arms around Cas as well and held him tight, but he couldn't tear his eyes away from the limp, lifeless body of his father. His eyes were fixed there all the while Cas was sobbing over his safety.  
Dean's safety.

It wasn't enough that Dean couldn't protect Cas from seeing the truth of his father, but all the while Cas wasn't concerned for himself.

He was worried about Dean.

Dean closed his eyes now and buried his head in Cas's shoulder. Dean's head was exploding with anxiety. 'What if his father dies because of this? What would happen to him and Sam? He's 18, but would he get custody of Sammy? How will they get money? What if he isn't dead and he'll have to face his father again?'

Dean couldn't stand it. His fingers and feet throbbed, his face and stomach ached. He was a mess. 

Cas ran his hand gently down Dean's back in a soothing motion as Dean bawled like he hadn't in ages, screams of anguish tore from his body. He called out for his mom and clenched the fabric of Cas's shirt with his good hand while the other hung loosely around Cas in a protective gesture.

Cas hummed a little lullaby that he used to sing to his younger siblings when they were still amicable. He rubbed down the length of Dean's back and then moved his hand to the back of Dean's head, holding it firmly while the Winchester tried to compose himself.

A little while later the EMTs came to take John, still unconscious, away. They asked if any of the boys would like to ride in the ambulance to the hospital, and Sam, seeing Dean was in no condition to go anywhere, volunteered to go with them.

As they were heading to the door Sam stopped Cas. "Call your uncle Cas, he'll know how to help" 

'Help Dean' was left unspoken, but the two boys both understood. 

With an arm still wrapped around Dean and the other on Dean's head, Cas nodded at Sam's request. Dean gripped Cas's shirt tighter and dug his face farther into the crook of Cas's shoulder holding on for dear life.

Cas dug his phone out of his pocket and dialed up Chuck.

"Hey Chuck,"

"Castiel? What's wrong?"

"Where to start?" Cas sighed

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> POSSIBLE TRIGGER WARNINGS: homophobia, physical abuse, alcohol abuse, violence
> 
> Thanks for sticking with this story so long! Updates will hopefully come a little faster than they did in the past, thanks for reading and, as always, tell me what you think!


	26. not brave enough

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chuck to the rescue

Cas told Chuck a shortened version of what happened while Dean was prodding his broken hand. Cas had to give him quite a bit of credit, whenever he got so much as a scratch he practically had to go to the hospital. This boy, his boyfriend, was strong. Sadly, Cas thought about how much Dean had to go through for this not to bother him.

"Alright, Dean, Chuck is on his way. In the meantime we're going to get you off your feet and I'll look at your wounds." Cas said while pulling Dean up from the ground and leading him over to the couch.

Dean looked up at Castiel with dull eyes. "What if he died, Cas?" He whispered with terror infiltrating his words. A dark expression passed over him. "What if he's not dead?" 

Cas kissed his temple and sat himself on the couch beside Dean. "You're strong, Dean. We'll get through this together."

Dean threaded his fingers of his good hand through his sweaty hair "this is so fucked up, all of this." He stated, letting out a shaky breath.

Cas shifted closer and leaned his head on Dean's shoulder. A sigh came out of Dean's mouth, and he wrapped an arm around Cas pulling him closer. 

Just a few minutes later the two boys heard a rapid fire of knocks from the door. Cas hefted himself up and gave Dean a peck on the lips.  
"That's probably Chuck, he'll be able to drive us to the emergency room."

Cas pulled the door open and was met with a frantic-looking Chuck.

Chuck pushed inside. "Where is Dean?" Chuck asked as an introduction, and immediately spotted him on the couch. Chuck rushed over falling on his knees beside the elder Winchester.

Dean gave a weak grin "hey there doc" 

Chuck's eyes frantically scanned Dean's body and he began to feel a little self conscious. I mean, he couldn't look that bad. Right?

"See something you like?" 

Chuck ignored Dean's jibe and turned to Castiel. "This was his father?" He asks in horror.

Cas pursed his lips and nodded curtly; he went to Dean's side by Chuck and gripped his boyfriend's hand tightly while Chuck began examining Dean's body. 

"Can I ask you to take off your shirt please?" Chuck asked while looking closely at Dean's hand.

Dean stiffened, a bead of sweat rolling down his temple. He shook his head out and flashed a wry smile. "Only if Cas does, too so I can have something pretty to stare at." 

Cas sighed and rolled his eyes, in one fluid motion his shirt was on the floor, well, technically was Dean's shirt since they had switched in their scramble to look presentable for the landlord. 

"Are you satisfied?" Cas asked, totally serious, looking into Dean's eyes.

Dean lifted the hem of his shirt and pulled his shirt off as well. "Quite," was all Dean replied.

Chuck watched the back and forth with interest. "He resorts to humor as a way of coping." He stated under his breath, while prodding along Dean's chest, feeling for broken bones or anything else of concern.

Dean hissed when Chuck passed over a rib, already a purplish bruise was beginning to form around that area. Dean wished he could have a smoke right about now, and he was well aware he had completely missed his shift at The Roadhouse. Sometimes life was a mess and this was a prime example of a total fuck pile mess.

"Okay you need to go to the emergency room right now," Chuck stated "quite frankly I'm not sure why you haven't passed out yet due to trauma"

Dean waved his broken hand I'm a dismissive gesture "I haven't told you this because I didn't think you could handle it," he looked Chuck dead in the face "I'm actually a mutant" 

"Very funny, Dean" Chuck deadpanned while helping him into a sitting position. 

Dean stopped cooperating with Chuck's hand. "Um yeah, no. I'm not going to any hospital, so that little fantasy can just stop right here"

Chuck ran a hand through his hair, exasperated. "Dean, with the wounds on you feet and several broken bones you are in no condition to refuse." 

Dean clenched his jaw. "Fucking watch me, doc" he said, calmly, like he was discussing the weather.

Cas fell to his knees in front of Dean and looked at his boyfriend with pleading eyes. "Dean, please. I can't see you hurt like this" Cas whispered, taking Dean's hand. 

Dean looked Castiel in the eyes, and his own began to water again. He hated hospitals, after what happened with his mom he just couldn't step foot inside one. He wasn't strong enough to face it. Wasn't brave enough. "Cas, baby I can't-" Dean began.

"Don't 'baby' me Dean Winchester. You are not going to remain in this condition as long as I am with you." He moved his arms under Dean's back and legs and struggled to lift Dean up. 

Dean was amused more than anything, with all that had happened his emotions couldn't stay the same for too long. Watching, experiencing, his boyfriend attempt to pick him up wasn't something that could happen without looking funny. 

"What are you gonna do, Cas?" Dean taunted. "Did all that bible-lifting pay off, finally?"

"Shut it smartass" Castiel panted.

Dean huffed. "You're not going to be able to carry me all the way to the door, let alone the car, dipshit"

"Fucking watch me, assbutt"

"Assbutt?"

"Shut up"

Dean was terrified of hospitals, but to be brutally honest, he was even more terrified of the inevitable Boyfriend Wrath™ if he continued to refuse. Maybe with someone to hold his hand it wouldn't be so bad. John sure as hell didn't back when Mary was in, maybe that's what was missing, worth a try at least. This way if he was wrong he'll be the only one affected by it.

He was pissed, sure, but more pissed at himself for letting it come to this, almost letting his baby brother and Cas get hurt. Only himself to blame.

Having made up his mind he rested his head in the crook of Castiel's shoulder and planted a soft kiss on his neck.

Maybe Dean imagined it, but Cas seemed to walk with more vigor after that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Short chap but I just wanted to get some stuff out and cleared before I move on to the fun stuff *maniacal laughter*
> 
> But seriously, I am amazed that anyone would ever enjoy my writing, it's given me a lot of confidence so I sincerely thank you for continuing to read and leave such kind, amazing comments.
> 
> Love y'all

**Author's Note:**

> If you'd like to say hi but aren't a user here, I also have a tumblr  
> shadowhunters-of-artemis.tumblr.com  
> Or  
> greetings-from-perdition.tumblr.com  
> (I'll respond from either but the first is my main and the second is my spn)


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